The Downtown Distortion
by kjewls
Summary: When Penny begins to suspect Leonard and Amy of having an affair, she and Sheldon embark on a journey, which takes them to a place that neither of them expected . . .
1. Waging War

Sheldon Cooper has a guilty pleasure. It is a secret passion of his, about which neither his best friends, nor his girlfriend, are aware. He has six files on his laptop dedicated to this guilty pleasure. Each of these files has been painstakingly protected by extensive firewalls, and 16-digit password combinations that only a person with eidetic memory like himself could possibly remember.

"I'd also like to thank my Mee-Maw, who correctly predicted that the neighborhood boys, who shoved my head in an excrement-filled toilet, when I was ten years old, would end up dead, in jail, and on a reality television show, where contestants consume cow genitalia for money, respectively," Sheldon reads out loud from his computer screen.

Sheldon smiles in self-satisfaction. Of all the variations of his Nobel Prize speech he has written over the years, this one has always been his favorite . . . so much so, in fact, that he's often considered discarding the other versions. Yet, no matter how many times he's tried, he simply can't bring himself to delete them.

"Be strong, Sheldon," he scolds himself, as he drops and drags the icon for his least favorite version of the speech to the virtual Recycle Bin, allowing the document to hover over its edge precariously.

His hands are shaking . . .

_Knock, knock, knock . . ._

"_Sheldon," _a familiar female voice echoes from the front door.

"Phew, that was a close one, Number 5. I'll chalk it up to temporary madness," Sheldon exclaims, as he returns the Word document to its properly password-protected place, and moves toward the door.

He then leans against the door frame, arms folded across his chest, waiting . . .

_Knock, knock, knock . . ._

"Sheldon . . . I know you're in there. I can see your Flash t-shirt through the peep hole," Penny scolds in frustration.

Sheldon pretends to innocently examine his nails. Yet, a subtle smile plays across his lips, belying his unconcerned body posture. Though he'd never publicly admit it, there are times when he enjoys teasing his blonde waitress friend almost as much as he enjoys editing his Nobel Prize speeches.

"Well, of course, I'm here, Penny," he replies calmly. "Where else would I be at 8 p.m. on a school night?"

"Open the door, Sheldon!" Penny demands.

"I have every intention of opening the door, Penny," Sheldon explains. "I'm just waiting for you to finish."

"Finish?" Penny asks in confusion.

"Yes, _finish_," Sheldon replies. "Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon . . . knock, knock, knock, Sheldon . . . You're not finished."

Penny rolls her eyes. "You're kidding, right?"

"I'm most certainly not kidding. Had I been kidding, I would have completed my statement using the word, Bazinga, which, as you know, I did not," Sheldon retorts.

"Fine," she grumbles.

_Knock, knock, knock_.

"Sheldon," she says exasperatedly.

Immediately, Sheldon opens the door with an exaggeratedly cordial grin on his face. "Is that Penny? What a pleasant surprise! Come on in, and have a seat . . . just not in my spot."

But Penny has no interest in sitting. Instead, she begins to pace back and forth angrily across Sheldon's living room, like a bull preparing to charge at a matador.

"You seem distressed, Penny. Can I interest you in a hot beverage?"

"Where's your roommate, Sheldon?" Penny asks pointedly, ignoring her friend's inquiry.

"Oh, Leonard had to work late," Sheldon explains distractedly, as he extracts two matching mugs from the kitchen cabinet.

"I see," Penny says sternly, as she removes two packets of Hot Cocoa Mix from the pantry, and pours them into the mugs Sheldon has placed on the counter, while he heads to the stove to boil the water.

Of all of Sheldon's acquaintances, Penny is the only one he will allow to help him make hot cocoa. Amy will inevitably add too much milk, or fail to properly stir the concoction, rendering the beverage much too chunky in consistency for Sheldon's taste. As for Leonard, he insists that heating the cocoa in the microwave tastes exactly the same as doing it on the stove, an idea Sheldon finds absolutely preposterous.

"And has he been doing that a lot, lately . . . working late, I mean?" Penny continues.

Sheldon pauses over the stove to ponder this question. "Now that you mention it, Leonard has worked late every Monday and Thursday night this month. Who knew reinventing the proverbial wheel of scientific discovery could be so time-consuming?" He muses.

Penny narrows her eyes, as she furiously stirs the pot before her. The steam rising from the oven appears to be coming out of her ears . . . an optical illusion that Sheldon finds fitting, given the waitress' sour mood. "And this doesn't bother you at all?" She asks bitingly, "Your roommate's sudden _dedication_ to his work?"

"On the contrary," Sheldon corrects. "At first, it bothered me very much. As you know, Monday nights, are Thai takeout nights. Leonard's failure to partake in our ritual did abysmal things to my digestion process. But since I've informed him of this, Leonard has taken it upon himself to have Siam Palace deliver me my chicken satay at precisely 5:45 p.m. each Monday night. And now, I am happy to report that my digestion is just dandy."

"I'm so glad," Penny mutters sarcastically, as Sheldon pours hot water into her mug.

"Why thank you! I'm glad too," Sheldon responds gleefully.

"What about Amy? Where is _she_ tonight?" Penny presses, closing her eyes briefly, as she inhales the aroma of the hot cocoa mug in front of her.

_Sheldon always makes the best hot cocoa._ She thinks to herself with a smile. Then, she remembers that she's supposed to be mad, and starts glaring at the wall again.

"Actually, she's working late too. She mentioned something about a Capuchin Monkey Emergency."

"Hmph, and you don't find that the least bit convenient?" Penny probes.

"Absolutely not! If you have ever seen the _Planet of the Apes_ movies, you would know that Monkey Emergencies are not only most _inconvenient,_ but, at times, downright apocalyptic."

Penny groans, and slams her cocoa mug down on the kitchen table. "Sheldon, Leonard and Amy are having an affair!"

"What?" Sheldon asks incredulously. "I'm sorry, Penny. But your conjecture is simply illogical. Amy's taste in men is much too impeccable for her to willingly date someone as painfully ordinary as Leonard . . . no offense."

Penny shakes her head pitiably, as she takes a mournful gulp of her cocoa. "Face the facts, Moonpie. You're being played like a fiddle."

"First of all, only my Mee-Maw can call me, Moonpie. Second of all, I've always considered myself more of a rare violin than a fiddle. Third of all, any scientist worth his salt would never accept a statement of that sort, without first receiving substantial evidence of its accuracy. So far, you've provided me with nothing but banal coincidence, and a horrifying naivety about the potential danger of monkeys."

"Fine, I'll prove it to you," Penny insists smugly. "Call Amy, right now. Actually, don't just call her, _Face Time_ her."

"OK, I will," replies Sheldon, who is always up for a challenge.

He slips his phone from his desk and Face Times Amy. She picks up on the third ring, looking rather distracted. "Um, hi Sheldon. Is something wrong?"

"Not at all, Amy. I was just checking in on my _girlfriend_, engaging her in some casual chit-chat."

"That's very sweet of you, Sheldon," Amy answers uncertainly. "Unfortunately, I'm a bit busy right now."

"Yes, of course, Amy. I completely understand," Sheldon replies, casting a stern look in Penny's direction. "I'll let you go, in just a moment. But . . . refresh my memory, Amy. Where are you right now?"

Amy's brow furrows in concern. "Sheldon, please forgive me for saying this. But it was always my understanding that an eidetic memory never required refreshing."

Sheldon's eyes widen, an indication (at least in Penny's experience) that he's about to tell a lie. "Yes," he begins tentatively. "Normally, that's the case, but, I must admit I haven't been quite myself lately. Penny's been forcing me to imbibe alcohol in mass quantities. And I'm afraid it's been adversely impacting my short-term memory. She has many Svengali-like qualities, that Penny."

"Indeed," Amy agrees sympathetically. "I can certainly sympathize with the allure of my bestie's entreaties to the dark side. She can be quite the sensual siren, when she wants to be."

Penny crinkles her nose at this.

"Anyway," Amy continues. "I'm at work . . . Monkey Emergency and all."

As if on cue, a chorus of monkey cries can be heard in the background. "I'm sorry, Sheldon. I have to go. It appears the monkeys are staging a mutiny," Amy exclaims, before abruptly disconnecting the call.

Sheldon crosses his arms across his chest triumphantly. "There you have it . . . a real life Monkey Emergency. Now, don't you feel ridiculous?"

Penny says nothing. Instead, she pulls out her own phone, and dials the telephone number of the lab where Amy works. "Hi, yes . . . Amy Farrah Fowler, please . . . What . . . you say she left hours ago? Well, than I guess I'll have to try her cell phone. Thank you."

Penny shrugs her shoulders at Sheldon in a non-verbal "I told you so."

But Sheldon is still not convinced. "Clearly, the lab is protecting Amy's identity from those mutinous monkeys," Sheldon answers matter-of-factly.

Penny groans inwardly. "Come on, Sheldon, that's . . . Fine, read this text message I got from Leonard yesterday."

Sheldon peers over Penny's shoulder. Her hair smells just the slightest bit like lemon meringue pie, a scent he finds rather pleasant, and slightly intoxicating. "Downtown . . . I'm excited," he reads. "Well, shame on Leonard, that's not a grammatically correct sentence. Except, maybe if Downtown was a proper noun, like someone's name. But since he was talking to _you_ . . ."

"That's just it, Sheldon. He wasn't talking to _me_. Read the message below it."

"Sorry, I sent this to the wrong person," Sheldon reads aloud. "Well, of course he did. He meant to send it to someone named 'Downtown.'"

"No, he meant to send it to, _Amy_," Penny insists. "You see, later that day, I found the same message on _her _phone. I just . . . I don't know . . . I have this feeling that _downtown means DOWN-TOWN."_

"Penny, hasn't anyone ever told you that, when defining a word, you should refrain from using that same word in the definition?" Sheldon chides.

"No! I mean, downtown, like a guy going _downtown_ on a girl."

"I'm afraid I'm still not following," Sheldon admits.

"SEX, Sheldon! I'm talking about Leonard and Amy having SEX . . . with _each other_."

"Oh, so what _you're _saying is 'downtown' is euphemism for _coitus_," Sheldon exclaims triumphantly.

"A euphe-what-em?" Penny inquires confused. "Listen, are you going to help me, or what?"

"Well," Sheldon replies thoughtfully. "That depends on what you're planning on doing."

Penny considers this for a moment. Truth be told, she hadn't really thought this plan out too much in advance. "I want us to catch them in the act," she says finally.

"And then . . ." Sheldon prods.

"Then . . . I guess we'll confront them," Penny answers uncertainly.

"Penny, are you asking me to join you in a sting operation to bring down our respective significant others, while, at the same time, proving our moral and intellectual superiority over them?" Sheldon asks solemnly.

Penny flounders. "Yeah, I think so . . . no, definitely . . . that's what I'm asking you," she concludes decisively.

"Well, then you've got yourself a partner in criminal justice . . . or should I say _downtown _justice," Sheldon replies with a sly grin. "Wait right here, and I'll draft an agreement."

"Ummm . . . why don't we just shake on it, instead?" Penny asks hopefully.

"That sounds reasonable," Sheldon concludes, as he extends his hand formally for Penny to shake.

Penny tries not to be insulted by the fact that he's wearing an oven mitt, when he does it . . .


	2. Tactical Positioning

Sheldon cracks his knuckles in self-satisfaction over Penny's laptop. "Sheldon Cooper, your genius never fails to impress me," he says proudly.

"Oh sweetie, please don't become one of those people who feels the need to constantly refer to themselves in the third person," Penny pleads, as she looks up from the latest issue of _Entertainment Weekly._

"Why not?" Sheldon inquires, "It seems like a perfectly fitting way to refer to one's self."

Penny closes her magazine, and places it on the coffee table in front of her. "Well, for one thing, it will pretty much guarantee that you'll never get laid."

Sheldon nods thoughtfully. "Well, that statement presupposes that I actually _want_ to get laid, Penny."

Penny grins, and shakes her head. "Fair point, Dr. Wackadoodle. Now, are you going to finally show me this new Leonard / Amy Takedown Toy, you've been camped out on my couch creating, for the past three hours, or are you going to make me beg?"

Sheldon strokes his chin, which, after a long day's work, is just starting to show the slightest hint of a 5 0'clock shadow. "Well, now that you mention it, I think a little begging would be rather appropriate, under the circumstances, don't you?"

Penny glares at Sheldon, as she folds her arms stubbornly across her chest.

"Bazinga," he says with a wink, as he pats the spot on the couch next to him. "Come here, and prepare to be amazed."

Though she'd never further inflate Sheldon's already-swelled ego by admitting it, Penny is surprised by how much she is enjoying having him in her apartment. It is nice having some else to cook dinner for, aside from herself, even if that dinner is nothing more than hot dogs and spaghetti. And there is something oddly comforting about Sheldon's quiet constant presence on her couch . . . the stern look of determined concentration on his face, as he plugs away at his computer program . . . the delicate, oddly musical, way his long thin fingers tap their way across her keyboard.

Whenever Leonard is in her apartment, the space immediately fills with his frenetic energy. There seems to be a persistent need on her boyfriend's part to fawn over, and pamper, her. Leonard once told Penny that he abhors silence. It makes him uncomfortable. Perhaps, as a result, he constantly fills each moment they spend together with empty questions: "How was your day?" "How's work?" "What are you thinking about?" "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Sheldon sees no such need to entertain Penny. In fact, from the time he arrives in her apartment, he says very little, apart from complimenting her on her spaghetti-cooking skills, and making a few frustrated exclamations over her laptop, whenever he hits a programming glitch. So, the two spend most of the evening in companionable quietude. And this, after eight hours of waiting tables, is precisely what Penny needs to unwind and relax.

Penny scoots next to Sheldon on the couch, as he proudly transfers the laptop from his lap to hers. The blonde crinkles her nose. "Um, all I see are a bunch of zeroes and ones."

Sheldon grins. "Ah, but looks can be deceiving, Grasshopper."

"Did you just call me a bug?"

Sheldon leans over Penny, to make a few adjustments to the screen. As he does this, Penny catches a subtly clean, woodsy, and masculine scent that she strongly suspects is cologne. Having driven Sheldon to work a few times in the past year, she never recalled him wearing cologne before. Could he possibly have applied some, in anticipation of spending the evening in Penny's apartment?

_Nah, _she thinks to herself dismissively. _This is Sheldon we are talking about here!_

After just a few keyboard strokes, courtesy of Sheldon, Penny watches as the image before her morphs into something more recognizable. The screen is split down the center, with Leonard's face on one side, and Amy's on the other. Below the images are a series of buttons and indicators, only some of which Penny recognizes. Fortunately, Sheldon is eager to explain his creation.

"Now, this top part is a GPS tracking system, which will pinpoint Leonard's and Amy's positions with respect to one another. As you can see, currently, they are both at home. This part in the middle of the screen will show us when Leonard and Amy receive text messages, or e-mails to their phone. The bottom portion of the screen is a traditional phone tap. It will immediately notify us, when Leonard and Amy receive incoming phone calls. It will also give us the option to listen in, and, if we wish, record those calls for posterity and/or incriminating evidence."

Penny whistles. "Wow, Leonard was right. You really _are _one lab accident away from becoming a comic book super villain!"

Sheldon's ears and neck turn instantly red at this comment, which gives Penny an overwhelming urge to pinch his cheeks. _So, this is what it takes to make Sheldon Cooper blush! Who knew?_

"Actually, contrary to popular belief, very few comic book super villains actually have their origins in laboratory accidents," Sheldon begins to babble. "It's true that the _Spiderman_ movies have made this conceit seem so common as to almost be cliché. However . . ."

Sheldon's lecture is interrupted, by a peculiar ringing sound coming from Penny's laptop. "Sheldon, something's happening! What do I do?"

Sheldon's eyes widen. "Press the Call Intercept button," he instructs nervously.

"Which one? I don't know which one it is!"

Thinking fast, Sheldon dives toward the laptop, and ends up with his body sprawled awkwardly across Penny's lap. The waitress and the doctor freeze . . . each becoming instantly aware of how their bodies are pressing against each other, in a way that is not entirely PG-rated. "Sheldon, are you . . . _vibrating_?" Penny asks curiously.

Sheldon bites his lower lip sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Penny. It's just that I so rarely get to perform takedowns. So, when I do, my baser mammalian instincts . . ."

Now, it's Penny's turn to blush. "I'm not talking about _that_, Sheldon. I mean, you are _actually _vibrating."

"Oh, of course," Sheldon replies uncertainly, as he comes to the realization that his new tracking device has just inadvertently intercepted a call between Amy and _himself._

He extracts his cell phone from his pocket, disentangling himself from Penny, in order to answer the call. "Hello, Amy," Sheldon says in his usual businesslike tone.

The shrill feedback noise from the computer speakers causes Penny to plug her fingers in her ears, as Sheldon rushes to mute the sound. "Not much, just helping Penny fix her computer. You know how helpless she is when it comes to any technology more advanced than a television remote control."

Penny sticks her tongue out at Sheldon, as he says this. He returns the gesture.

"What? You're canceling our plans for Thursday?" Sheldon inquires with a frown. "But we were supposed to produce the Season Premiere of Fun with Flags: _Game of Thrones_ edition . . . Yes, I know how important this lab test is for your career . . . I'm sure I can get Raj to help. Yes . . . yes . . . thank you for letting me know in advance, as is clearly required under our Relationship Agreement. I'll see you on Friday."

Sheldon looks up at Penny, who is regarding him with concern. "Oh, don't worry about Fun with Flags. I had planned on doing a 'Best of' Episode, this week, anyway. I'll just have to spend a bit more time stringing together the footage."

"That's not it, Sweetie. I'm sorry about Amy. I'm sorry that it's looking more and more like I'm right about this."

Sheldon shrugs noncommittally. "I'm going to have to fix that feedback problem. Hand me back the computer again, please."

Penny does so gladly. "Remind me again why you decided to put this World Domination Program on my computer, instead of yours?"

"Well," Sheldon says thoughtfully. "For one thing, Leonard and Amy would be much less likely to think to look for such a program on _your computer_ than mine. For another, wiretapping is a federal offense. And should Leonard or Amy ultimately decide to report us to the authorities, I'm sure you'd agree that your hard-living, junior-rodeo winning, temperament is much more suited for prison survival than mine."

Penny considers this for a moment, before collapsing on the couch in a fit of giggles.

"What's so funny?" Sheldon asks, slightly annoyed.

"Nothing," Penny insists. "I was just picturing you in jail . . . discussing string theory with a cellmate named Bubba . . . trading cigarettes and sexual favors for comic books, and extra time in the jail library."

Sheldon grimaces, clearly un-amused by Penny's vision. "You're vibrating," he says sternly.

"I'm _laughing_, Sheldon," Penny insists.

"No, you're _vibrating!"_

Penny looks down at her phone, while Sheldon works quickly to eliminate the feedback on her laptop. "Hi Leonard," she says casually. "Nothing much, just watching your roommate fix my computer . . . Yeah, he could be a good guy, when he wants to be," she replies, catching Sheldon staring at her out of the corner of her eye, as he pretends to fiddle with the computer program.

"You've gotta work late again on Thursday? Really? Can't you get someone to cover for you? I was really looking forward to our date night . . . No, I understand. Friday will be just as nice. Talk to you later."

Penny slams down the phone, and moves toward the door, fists clenched. "That's it. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to walk right over to your apartment, and break his neck with my bare hands. I'm already going to jail for wiretapping. Heck, why _not _throw in a free murder charge?"

"Penny," Sheldon says calmly, as he rises and follows the blonde toward her apartment door.

"_Penny_," he calls again, more insistently, as she crosses the floor toward Leonard's and Sheldon's apartment.

"PENNY," he says a third time, when the waitress begins angrily banging on the door.

It opens, while her hand is still raised in mid-air. "Penny?" Leonard inquires, his red and grey striped bathroom, hanging loosely over his shoulders. "Is everything, OK?"

Penny begins to speak, but is shocked into silence by the sudden pressure of a warm hand pressed against her mouth. "Mmmm!" She grunts in frustration.

"Hi Leonard. I'm afraid our mutual friend has strained her vocal cords yelling at the unruly patrons of The Cheesecake Factory. Might I trouble you to hand me over that box of chamomile tea, I keep in the top cabinet?" Sheldon asks cordially, only wincing slightly in pain, when Penny bites his thumb, _hard_.

"Ummm, sure," Leonard replies, as he looks from Sheldon to Penny in confusion.

As Leonard disappears from the doorframe, Penny ceases struggling, hoping that Sheldon will release his grasp on her face. But he holds strong. "_Shhh, don't strain your voice_," he says breathily in her ear, in a way that would admittedly be sexy under other circumstances.

"Grrrrm," Penny moans again, when Leonard returns with the tea.

"Thank you," Sheldon offers gracefully. "I'll be home soon."

The minute the door closes, Sheldon races back to his apartment, thrusting his hand under the sink, as if it's on fire. He looks like he's about to cry. "You haven't been diagnosed with any mouth diseases recently, have you? Herpes . . . mumps . . . mouth cancer . . . rabies . . . gingivitis?"

He reaches under the sink, and pours an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol on his hand, as he scrubs his skin raw with a rough sponge. Seeing Sheldon in such obvious distress causes Penny's anger to dissipate, as it is replaced, first by guilt, and then by sympathetic concern.

"Sweetie, stop, you're hurting yourself," she says gently, placing one hand firmly on Sheldon's shoulder, as she grabs a dishtowel with the other.

"Says the woman who just bit me," Sheldon mutters bitterly, as he allows Penny to wrap his red throbbing hand in the towel, and lead him back to the couch.

"Listen, I know you were just trying to keep me from saying something I'd regret. But I _want to_ confront him. I want to give him a piece of my mind for doing what he's doing to me . . . to _us."_

Sheldon leans his head back on Penny's couch, feeling suddenly exhausted. He really overdid it with the rubbing alcohol. His hand is killing him. For a moment, he contemplates asking Penny to sing _Soft Kitty_ to him. She certainly owes it to him, after what she's done! Instead, he looks her straight in the eyes, his blue eyes blazing with fiery determination, and says this:

"Penny, are you familiar with the works of Sun Tzu?"

"Sun who?"

"Sun Tzu, he was a famous military strategist of the Zhou Dynasty. He wrote this book _The Art of War,_ which I highly recommend."

"Does it have a Cliff Notes version?" Penny asks hopefully.

"Sun Tzu believed that battle and bloodshed should be avoided at all costs," Sheldon explains calmly. "But when it is inevitable to enter into battle, one must do so quickly and efficiently."

"Right," Penny says decisively, "which is why I'm going to go over to your apartment and, quickly, and efficiently, kill Leonard."

"Ah," Sheldon says, raising his pointer finger upward, as he often does when he's making an academic point. "But in order to truly succeed in battle, one must first close off all potential avenues of failure. To defeat Leonard and Amy, we have to be cold and calculating. We have to tactically position ourselves in a way that gives us the best advantage, when we _do_ decide to strike. That requires research, evidence gathering , and an obsessive study of our enemy."

"Sounds boring," Penny says glumly.

"Boring, to YOU," Sheldon corrects. "And _that_ is why I get to be the General in this battle, and you're my trusty plebe," Sheldon responds decisively.

"Who you calling a _Plebe_? And since when do you get to be General? This was my idea! You would still be stuck in Denial Land, if it wasn't for me," Penny retorts.

"Well, obviously, it makes the most sense for me to be General. I'm the one with a 187 IQ. I clearly have . . ."

"Shut up, Sheldon. I don't have to be degraded in this way," Penny interrupts. "I wonder what your mother would have to say about this. That's it! I'm calling your mother!"

"NO, PENNY! PLEASE . . . BE REASONABLE!" Sheldon exclaims frantically.

"Let's have a look in my Contacts. Ahh, there she is, Mary Cooper . . ." Penny says glibly, as she tauntingly taps on the screen of her phone.

"NOOOOO!"

The pair are so involved in their bickering that they almost fail to hear the loud ringing sound coming from Penny's Laptop. Leonard is calling Amy, _right now_ . . .


	3. Army on the March

"For the record, Penny, your continued failure to heed your Check Engine light distresses me greatly," Sheldon gripes, as he taps his fingers judgmentally on the passenger side armrest of the blonde waitress' car.

"Your distress is noted," replies Penny, who is clutching the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles have turned white. "Now, _focus."_

"I _am_ focused . . . focused on the fiery death I am doomed to suffer, when the engine of your motor vehicle spontaneously combusts. And I am trapped inside of it."

Penny rolls her eyes. "I mean on _Leonard and Amy_," she insists.

"OK," Sheldon answers. "_Leonard and Amy_ will likely comfort one another at my funeral, while they discuss how my untimely death could have been avoided if only Penny, _also deceased_, had been willing to have her car regularly serviced."

Penny groans. It's been three days since the so-called Downtown Justice League intercepted the fateful call that led them to _this_, their first official stakeout. And though the geographical coordinates of the pair's secret rendezvous had been relatively easy to discover (thanks to modern technology, and good old-fashioned snooping) everything else about Leonard's and Amy's relationship remains a mystery . . . a _mystery_ that is slowly, but surely, driving Penny insane.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie. But obviously, I can't have the car fixed, right now. Just try to ignore the damn light, OK?" Penny pleads.

"How can I ignore it, when it's right there . . . taunting me, like some electronic Grim Reaper? He's mocking me now, waving his scythe in the air, while dancing the Macarena."

Abruptly, Penny removes a pad of yellow Post-It notes from her purse and rips off the top sheet. She then slaps the sheet over the Check Engine light, obscuring it from view. "Better now?" She asks hopefully.

Sheldon cocks his head sideways, as he observes the Post-It note in silence for a few moments. "Surprisingly, yes," he says finally, leaning back in his seat

Penny smiles in self-satisfaction. With that "crisis" successfully averted, now they can finally get back to the matter at hand. As luck would have it, Leonard's call to Amy ended up being not so much incriminating, as it was frustratingly cryptic. Part of this can be attributed to the fact that Penny and Sheldon missed the first two minutes of the call, while bickering over whether Penny would actually call Sheldon's mother on him.

The other part had to do with the content of the call itself. At times, Leonard and Amy seemed to be talking to one another in code. And no matter how many times Penny runs over their words in her head, she just can't seem to make sense of them.

"Sheldon, what do you think Leonard meant, when he asked Amy if she was _ready to be his Mary_?" She wonders out loud, while they are stopped at a red light.

Sheldon scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps, 'Mary' is a term of endearment Leonard uses for women with whom he engages in coitus," he posits. "Referring to one's sexual partner as the Mother of Christ certainly sounds like something Leonard would do."

"He never called _me_ Mary," Penny pouts.

"That's probably because you don't strike one as a Mary," Sheldon replies.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" She asks defensively.

"Simply that you don't look like a Mary. Other names suit you better, like Jamie, Lauren, Regina, and, well, Penny, of course," Sheldon muses, his blue eyes taking on a child-like quality, as he blinkingly observes his companion.

"Umm . . . thanks, I think," Penny replies, blushing a bit at the sudden and intense attention she's receiving from Sheldon Cooper, of all people.

"You are very welcome," Sheldon replies with a smile. "Now, according to the GPS tracker I installed on Leonard's phone, you should turn left at the end of this street."

Penny complies with Sheldon's navigation. But she's still not quite ready to let the matter drop. "Come on Sheldon, you must have some clue what all of this means."

"I'm sorry, Penny. But I don't pretend to be an expert in the romantic sensibilities, or the peculiar seductive techniques, of Leonard Hofstadter."

"But you're like this big genius scientist!" Penny insists. "You've got to have at least _some_ hypotenuses!"

Sheldon smirks. "I think you mean _hypotheses_. And I have to say, in this one, small, isolated matter, I'm just as clueless as you are. But it looks like we're going to know soon enough. Leonard and Amy are right up the block."

Penny's jaw drops. It is one thing to believe your boyfriend is having an affair. But seeing the indiscretion up close is another matter entirely. "Those bastards!" She exclaims. "Let's run them over with the car."

"I told you, Penny. I'm not suited for prison life," Sheldon chides. "Let's stick with the plan, shall we?"

"Fine," Penny grumbles.

"Now, make sure to keep a safe distance away," Sheldon instructs, as Penny hands him her iPhone. "We don't want them to know we're here. We just want to get close enough to them for me to take a few incriminating photographs."

"I still like my idea better," mutters Penny. "But, fine, have it your way," she ultimately concludes.

Sheldon ducks down in his seat, so that only Penny's cell phone is visible from the outside window. Meanwhile, Penny inches her car closer to the naughty pair, so that Sheldon can get a good shot.

"What are they doing? Are they holding hands? Kissing? Ripping one another's clothes off, in the middle of the street? I want to see!" Penny exclaims impatiently, as she leans toward Sheldon, while still keeping her hand on the wheel, and her foot on the brake pedal. It's an impressively deft maneuver that would make her _5__th__ grade gymnastics coach_ proud . . . but _not _Sheldon.

"Penny! Please focus on your driving. Your recklessness is going to get us killed! Not to mention your hair is blocking my shot," Sheldon gripes.

"We're driving 5-miles an hour on a deserted street, Sheldon," Penny insists, as she flicks her hair away from her face. "I think we'll be OK. Move over! I still can't see anything."

Her head is now resting precariously on Sheldon's shoulder. It's the type of close personal contact that would normally make Sheldon exceedingly uncomfortable, particularly in these dangerous circumstances. And yet, Sheldon finds, to his surprise, that he doesn't particularly mind it. On the contrary, he's rather enjoying it.

"Fascinating," he says, before he realizes he has spoken this out loud.

"What's fascinating? What, did you see?" Penny exclaims, nearly removing her hand from the wheel, as she pokes him in the back.

"Penny, if you insist on completely ignoring the rules of the road, at least let me steer the car," Sheldon scolds, maneuvering around Penny, so that he can reach the steering wheel with his right arm, while continuing to snap pictures of Leonard and Amy with his left.

"Ummm . . . Sheldon," Penny says tentatively. "That's _not _the steering wheel."

_For a man who supposedly has no sexual proclivities, whatsoever, Dr. Wackadoodle sure is adept at "accidental" chest fondling. _Penny thinks to first instinct is to want to share this interesting piece of news with Amy. Then, she remembers she's supposed to be _hating _Amy, right now, for stealing her boyfriend. And that makes her sad all over again.

"SQUIRRELS!" Sheldon exclaims frantically.

"Well, I've never quite heard them referred to in that way," Penny muses, looking down at her chest in amusement

"NO! SQUIRRELS . . . IN THE ROAD. I think they might be suicidal! Danger, danger, Penny! Abort, abort!"

"Sheldon, stop being so . . . Holy crap, these guys really do have a death wish, don't they?" She notes, as she reaches over Sheldon to honk the horn of her car.

But still the squirrels won't budge. So, she cuts the steering wheel sharply to the right, and slams her foot on the brake. At least . . . she _thinks_ her foot is on the brake . . .

Penny's car immediately careens into a large green trash receptacle. Instinctively, Sheldon's hand shoots out in front of his companion, to shield her from flying through the windshield. "Are you OK?" Sheldon asks, with a surprising amount of concern. "You weren't wearing your seatbelt!"

"Yeah, I'm fine Sheldon. To be honest, I'm more worried about my car," Penny replies, knowing instinctively, that steam rising from the hood of your vehicle is generally not a good sign.

The pair emerges from the car, to observe the wreckage. And there's _plenty_ of wreckage to observe. The entire front of Penny's car is completely totaled.

"Well, Penny, look on the bright side," Sheldon offers. "Now, you'll finally be able to take care of that pesky Check Engine light!"

* * *

After an interminable ride in a tow truck, during which Sheldon goes through two entire bottles of antibacterial lotion, and intensely interrogates the tow truck driver on his credentials - even going as far as to ask him his score on his commercial driving exam – Sheldon and Penny arrive at the Car Repair Shop. It is there where they now find themselves, sitting in two extremely uncomfortable blue plastic chairs . . . waiting.

Penny absent-mindedly flips through the new pictures of Amy and Leonard on her iPhone, while Sheldon watches over her shoulder. "Amy looks great," Sheldon notes congenially. "Leonard's head, of course, is huge. No amount of advanced Photoshop could counteract that."

This seemingly harmless statement causes Penny to burst into tears. "Penny?" Sheldon asks, his voice, a mixture of discomfort and concern.

"He's cheating on me, Sheldon! He's really cheating on me! And I let a pack of suicidal squirrels destroy my car," she exclaims tearfully.

"Um . . . there, there? Sheldon's here?" Sheldon says, awkwardly, as places two half-hearted pats on Penny's back.

"I'm_ sad_, Sheldon. Could you just . . . I don't know . . . not be _you_ for a few moments, and comfort me, like a human being?" She pleads.

Sheldon nods thoughtfully. "You need me to be your Snuggle Bunny," he concludes.

Penny nearly bursts out laughing. "Excuse me?"

"Your _Snuggle Bunny_," Sheldon explains. "Amy once told me that, when women are feeling particularly vulnerable, or they are within a week of the time of their menses, they enjoy having a strong virile man act as their Snuggle Bunny."

"That's true, But I don't have a strong virile man here, I only have YOU!" Penny bawls.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. But only because that's what a Snuggle Bunny would do," Sheldon replies, as he pulls Penny's head toward his chest, and begins lightly stroking her hair, just like Amy had once taught him to do.

Once again, Sheldon is surprised by how much he_ doesn't_ hate this . . . the comforting warmth of Penny's wet cheek pressed against his body . . . the intoxicating smell of her skin . . . how soft her hair feels beneath his fingertips. Being _Amy's _Snuggle Bunny had always felt like a chore, a necessary evil associated with being a "good boyfriend." But _this_ . . . this feels right, somehow.

And that is why, even though Penny isn't technically sick, Sheldon gives in to the urge to sing softly in her ear . . .

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, pur, pur, pur."

By about the fourth round of the song, Sheldon can hear Penny's breathing begin to ease against his chest. So, he knows she has stopped crying. "Do you feel any better?" He asks hopefully.

But Penny is fast asleep, in his arms . . .


	4. Incendiary Attacks

_Tomorrow night, 8 p.m._

_1815 Willoughby Road_

_Come dressed_

"SHELDON!" Penny exclaims, as she comes barreling into his apartment, still dressed in her Cheesecake Factory uniform, and vaguely smelling of French Fries.

"Just a moment, Penny. I have this hoard of zombies, who are just itching to be decapitated by yours truly," Sheldon explains calmly, as he turns his attention back to his video game.

"Take that, Walkers! You're not so scary without your heads, are you?" He says to the screen, as his video game avatar expertly slices through three zombies in a row, spewing brain matter across the avatar's head and neck (an unsanitary condition that the _real-life_ Sheldon would never abide).

Penny cocks her head to the side curiously, as she watches the scene play out in front of her. "I actually think they look _scarier_ without their heads. See? That one over there is still dancing around."

Sheldon pauses the game, and turns to face his neighbor. "Hello, Penny," he begins congenially. "What brings you here on this fine evening?"

Penny takes her laptop out from under her arm, and places it gently in Sheldon's lap. "This e-mail just came for both Leonard and Amy, about five minutes ago. It looks like it's for some kind of party," she muses.

"Why Penny, I'm impressed! You've mastered using the software I created!"

"Thank you," Penny replies, blushing slightly.

"Now, let's see what we have here," Sheldon offers, squinting slightly to read the electronic invitation. "Come dressed? Well that seems like a rather obvious and unnecessary request . . . unless this is one of Naked Parties my mother used to warn me about."

Penny rolls her eyes good naturedly. "Sheldon, I think it means _formal_ dress. See the picture of the little tiny bowtie at the bottom of the invitation?"

Sheldon's eyes widen. "They want the guests to wear nothing but _bow ties?_ It looks like this may be one of those Naked Parties, after all! Well, regardless, it seems you've stumbled upon the locale for our next stakeout."

"I don't want to stake out this party," Penny says solemnly.

"I can't say I blame you. The sight of Leonard wearing nothing but a bow tie is nothing anyone should see," Sheldon muses.

"I want to _crash_ it," Penny concludes decisively. "It's time we confronted them, and put an end to all this."

Sheldon considers this for a moment. "I guess I can get behind that choice," he offers. "No sense dragging these things out any longer than they have to be."

"Got a clean suit?" Penny asks pointedly.

Sheldon nods. "Why yes! Now that you mention it, I was just recently able to get the last of the vomit stains out of the suit I wore to my disastrously brief foray into public speaking."

Penny laughs to herself at the memory of a drunken Sheldon . . . on YouTube . . . wearing a suit_, sans pants. _"Good," she says. "You'll wear it tomorrow night."

"I most certainly will not!" Sheldon contests. "You know how I feel about suits, Penny. They cause painful chafing on my inner thighs and midsection."

"Sheldon, you are _not _going to this party wearing an Iron Man t-shirt and corduroys," Penny exclaims exasperatedly, as she rises from her spot on the couch.

"I beg your pardon!" Sheldon retorts, leaning back on the couch, and extending his right arm across its back. "I'll have you know that the Iron Man is generally welcome at _all _parties. Not only is he a hero and a genius, he is also quite the maven, when it comes to social interaction."

"Wear the damn suit, Sheldon," Penny insists. "It's what Hans Ono would do."

Sheldon snickers. "You mean, Han _Solo?_" He corrects.

"Yeah, yeah, you know . . . the hot guy from _Star Trek_."

Sheldon gasps dramatically. "Penny! Han Solo is from _Star Wars. _Haven't you been reading the pamphlet I made for you: _Star Wars versus Star Trek: A Beginners Guide? _I included pictures!"

Penny smirks. "I remember the pictures," she admits.

"Your horrifying ignorance regarding the two greatest stories ever told, notwithstanding, your sentiment is correct. Han Solo would indeed wear a suit, if such attire was absolutely necessary to defeat Darth Vader. And I too will wear one to take down our respective significant others."

"Great," Penny replies, with the smug satisfaction of someone, who has just won an argument with Sheldon Cooper. "I'll pick you up at seven thir . . . OH CRAP!" The blonde smacks her palm to her forehead. "My car is still in the shop!"

"Not to worry. I'll provide transportation for the evening," Sheldon replies nonchalantly.

"You will? But how . . ."

"I'm going to be your date for the event, am I not?" Sheldon interrupts.

Penny thinks about this for a moment. "Um, yeah, I guess so."

"And it is my understanding that it is customary for a suitor to provide transportation for his female companion on dates. Is that right?"

"Sheldon, I don't expect you to . . ."

"I'll see you at 7:30, Penny," Sheldon insists, before turning his attention completely back to his video game.

* * *

"You rented a limo?" Penny gawks, as she enters the vehicle.

"For four hours, yes," Sheldon says absentmindedly, while fiddling with his cell phone. "I find rental cars highly unsanitary. And this particular limo company received the highest rating on Yelp for safe driving. It also . . ."

It's at this moment that Sheldon notices Penny, for the first time, since she's entered the limousine. She's wearing a form-fitting red dress that hugs her curves to perfection. And her hair is swept into a fashionable up-do, with curly blonde tendrils of blonde hair framing her face.

A peculiar thing begins to happen to Sheldon. His mouth goes instantly dry. And his palms become slick with sweat. He finds this new sensation to be equal parts pleasurable and disturbing. "You look . . . _fetching_," the physicist finally manages to utter, though his voice sounds strange and slightly husky to his own ears.

"You're not so bad yourself, _Han Solo_," Penny replies with a wink, as she playfully flicks at Sheldon's now bright-red right ear.

_Good lord, am I actually flirting with Sheldon Cooper?_ She thinks to herself. _My life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. . ._

The house where the party is being held is not particularly noteworthy . . . just a modest brownstone at the corner of the street. It's not until Sheldon and Penny emerge from the limo that they notice anything peculiar. All of the party guests appear to be dressed in garb from another time period, entirely. Even the security guard at the door does not seem to be from the present day.

Penny looks down at her own modern red dress in embarrassment. "Either this is a theme party, or these people have universally bad taste in clothing," Penny muses.

Sheldon, who has always remained immune to matters of fashion, appears completely unfazed. "Hey, look on the bright side. At least they are wearing more than just ties."

He then surprises Penny by offering his arm to her, as she steps up onto the curb. She takes it gratefully, feeling a sudden rush of nerves, as they approach the security guard. "Name please," the man says sternly.

"Hello sir," Sheldon says politely. "My name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and this lovely lady is my date, Penny."

"You're not on the list," the guard says abruptly.

Sheldon pouts. "But I'm a well-renown physicist," he exclaims.

"I don't care if you are Justin Bieber. You're NOT on the list."

"Justin who?" Sheldon inquires.

Penny smirks. "I'll tell you later, Sweetie," she whispers in his ear, before turning her attention to the guard. "Don't mind my date. He's a real kidder. Our actual names are Leonard Hofstadter and Amy Farrah Fowler."

Sheldon begins to protest, but is elbowed in the ribs, by a very insistent Penny. "OW," he exclaims.

"Leonard and Amy. Yes, those names are on the list," the security guard notes.

"Of course, they are," Penny says with a grin, as she pulls Sheldon toward the door.

But the security guard blocks their entrance. "Unfortunately, they are already inside. Nice try, guys."

Sheldon and Penny try every technique in the book to get past the body guard . . . bribery, seduction . . . running really, really fast. But none of their tactics is to any avail. It's not until the pair are about to give up, and call it a night, that Sheldon notices a partially open window, on the backside of the house. They sneak over there, while the guard's back is turned.

"OK, Sheldon. Lift me up. I'll see if I can shimmy through the window," Penny instructs.

"Lift _you _up?" Sheldon asks. "But Penny, you know I always prefer to be on top."

Penny cups her hand over her mouth, and starts giggling hysterically.

"What? What's so funny?"

Penny shakes her head, figuring it's probably best not to "go there." "It's nothing, Sheldon. Listen, I'm not strong enough to lift you. So, it's going to have to be the other way around."

Sheldon looks uncertain, but ultimately complies, leaning against the back wall of the house, directly under the window for support. Penny moves toward him. "Now, put your hands around my waist, and push me upward, so that I can reach the window," she instructs.

Penny inhales deeply, as the warmth of Sheldon's arms encircle her midsection, and his cheek presses against her stomach. The waitress looks down at the physicist, and notices that his eyes are closed, and his cheeks are flushed. She briefly wonders if this is due to the strain of supporting her body weight, or if he could possibly be . . . _nah!_

Penny feels her body being lifted toward the window. She reaches her arms upward, and . . . "YES! I GOT IT!" She exclaims.

Sheldon blinks hard, as if being shaken out of a trance. He looks down and notices a peculiar sensation below his belt . . . a sensation that is most definitely not associated with the chafing he usually experiences from wearing a suit. _Oh, this is most inconvenient_,he thinks to himself, as his hold on Penny begins to falter.

He starts listing elements of the periodic table in his head to keep his unruly hormones in check, starting with the noble gases, which have always been his personal favorite, "Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton," he begins muttering under his breath.

Up above, Penny is tugging on the window, but can't seem to get it to budge enough for her to slip inside. She notices a pair of Leonard and Amy-shaped heads with their back directly to her, dressed in period garb. Penny sucks in air, watching the two figures, as they turn toward eachother, lean in close, and . . .

"PENNY! PENNY! PENNY! THE SQUIRRELS ARE BACK! THE SUICIDAL SQUIRRELS ARE BACK," exclaims a frantic Sheldon, cringing as a fluffy tale brushes against the corner of his pant leg.

Penny is so startled by the outburst that she loses her balance and tumbles from the window, with Sheldon rushing to catch her. They wind up in a heap on the grass, with Sheldon on his back, having cushioned the waitresses' fall, and Penny directly on top of him, her body inadvertently pressed against his. Penny feels a peculiar hardness against the inside of her leg that is most definitely _not_ a suicidal squirrel . . .

They stare at one another for a few tense moments, their eyes equally wide, breathing heavily. Penny can feel Sheldon's heart beating frantically against her chest. "Are you OK?" He whispers.

"Yeah, I am," she replies in-eloquently.

She knows she should be moving, extricating herself from Sheldon, and making her way back to the window ledge. But some unseen force seems to be keeping her glued right to this spot. Before she knows what she's doing, her eyes are closed, and she's leaning closer to Sheldon. She can feel his hot breath on her face. His lips are just inches from hers, when she . . .

"Hey Ken and Barbie, take this party elsewhere, before I call the cops."

It's the security guard from earlier, shining a flashlight in their faces.

Penny extricates from Sheldon, and instinctively begins brushing the grass stains off his pants. Then, she gets a look at Sheldon's face, and realizes that this is a _very _bad idea. "Oh, sir, it's not what you think. We weren't . . ." She begins to protest.

_Were we?_

* * *

They spend most of the limo ride back to their apartment complex in silence, barely looking at one another, until Sheldon mutters under his breath, "I told you I should have been on top."

Penny grimaces. "Oh, don't you put this on me, Mr. I'm a Grown Man Afraid of Squirrels!"

"They weren't ordinary squirrels, Penny. You should have seen the crazed looks in their eyes. They were positively diabolical," Sheldon contests.

"Whatever," Penny replies grumpily.

"Besides," Sheldon continues callously, "if anyone is to blame for our recent failure, it's _you_. Had you properly researched the event, and investigated the potential outcomes, we might have been dressed appropriately, and could have found our way inside, rather than shimmying up the wall, like common criminals."

"Excuse me? Are you even listening to yourself? I've been doing EVERYTHING on this so-called mission, as you call it. _I've_ been intercepting the calls. _I've_ been taking us on the stakeouts. I was the one climbing through that window, while you were . . . I don't even know what you were doing," Penny retorts furiously.

"Oh, I see," Sheldon responds coldly. "Then, it must have been _you_ who created the software program that made all of this possible . . . _Penny the Computer Genius_."

"That's just it, Sheldon," Penny replies. "You treat this like it's just some video game you're playing with your friends. You're not taking it seriously!"

Penny can't understand why she and Sheldon are suddenly picking fights with one another, when they had been getting along so well, just moments before. She wonders briefly whether it might have to do with what happened outside that house . . . how the two of them almost . . . She's about to mention her theory to Sheldon, when . . .

"I definitely don't think of this as a video game, Penny. If I was playing a video game, I'd be sure to pick a more skilled partner than _you_," Sheldon seethes.

The limo skids to a stop, and Sheldon slides out first. "Are you coming?" He asks gruffly.

"No," she says stubbornly.

"Penny, get out of the car," Sheldon scolds exasperatedly.

"Why? We prepaid for four hours, right? It has only been an hour and a half. I'm planning on hitting the town," she says decisively.

"But it's a school night!" The physicist insists worriedly.

"Exactly, Sheldon. And I'm a hard-drinking, irresponsible, waitress. Going out on a school night is what I do, right?"

Sheldon frowns. "Penny, I didn't mean to imply that . . ."

"Good night, Sheldon!" Penny exclaims, slamming the car door in his face.

"PENNY!" Sheldon yells, as the limo drives away.

He chases the vehicle, until it turns the corner. "I'm sorry," he says to no one in particular, as he watches Penny disappear into the night.

Then, he dejectedly trudges back to the apartment alone.


	5. Employing Spies

SQUIRRELS! They are definitely the same ones from earlier that night. They have the same crazy eyes, and abnormally sharp-looking teeth. The suicidal squirrels are crawling all over Sheldon Cooper's body . . . up his legs, across his arms, down his stomach. No matter how hard he struggles, he just can't seem to shake them. One of them gets close enough to his face that he can smell its breath. It smells like . . . _alcohol_?

_Drunken suicidal squirrels?_

"Wake up, Sheldon!"

The squirrel speaks. It knows his name. HOW? The squirrel's voice sounds awfully familiar. In fact, it sounds just like . . .

"DANGER! DANGER!" Sheldon shouts, scrambling backward in bed, the minute his eyes pop open.

Allowing his eyes to focus in the darkness of the room, he sees her . . . Penny, still clad in her red dress. Her hair, having long since been yanked from its up-do, now sits loose and messy on her shoulders.

"You're not a squirrel," Sheldon says matter-of-factly.

Penny laughs. "Nope," she replies.

Her voice has the underwater quality of the extremely intoxicated.

"You should not be in my bedroom," He says firmly.

"Shel-donnnnnn. Shelly," she slurs, placing her hand on his cheek.

He flinches, but does not move away.

"You checked up on me," she insists.

"I did no such thing," he replies, suddenly becoming intently focused on the flannel pattern on his comforter.

"Yes, you diiiiiiid," She sing-songs gleefully. "I went to five different bars. And at every bar, the bartender came up to me, and told me that some guy named Sheldon wants to make sure you are OK. I told them all you were a jealous ex-boyfriend."

Sheldon blushes. "I did not check up on you," he replies. "But . . . if I wanted to do so, it could have been easily accomplished with the GPS tracker I placed on the limousine, coupled with the GPS on your cell phone."

Penny wags her finger back and forth at Sheldon, like he's an errant child. "Sheldon, if you were going to stay up all night worrying about me, you should have just come out!"

Sheldon pouts. "There are two very good reasons why I chose not to join you in your evening of self-destructive debauchery. One, as I said, it's a school night. Two, we are in a fight," he concludes, folding his arms across his chest.

Penny frowns. "I'm sorry I said those mean things to you," She says solemnly. "Are you sorry you said those mean things to me?"

"Yes," Sheldon mutters under his breath. "But . . ."

"Fight is over!" Penny exclaims. "Now, we can have fun! Let's jump on your bed, Moonpie!"

"First of all, no one calls me Moonpie, but my . . . What are you doing? Get down from there, this instant! This bed has been calibrated precisely to accommodate my nightly need for lumbar support. And you're drunken need for dangerous frivolity is putting its alignment at risk."

"Lumbar schmumbar! Have a little fun, for once in your life, Sheldon," Penny insists, as she jumps higher and higher, causing Sheldon's mattress to shift and buckle under her weight.

"Penny, Penny, PENNY! I'm getting seasick!" Sheldon whines, cupping his hand over his eyes.

Penny laughs uproariously. "Haha, Sheldon is seasick in his own bed!"

Then, suddenly she stops, and stumbles backward, "Woooooo, very dizzy. It looks like Penny is seasick in Sheldon's bed too."

When she begins to tumble backwards, Sheldon rushes to keep her upright. But Penny ends up pulling him down on the bed with her. "See, Sheldon, I let you be on top this time," she says, her voice a husky whisper.

Sheldon blinks hard. Even inebriated, Penny looks so beautiful, lying on his bed. He notices the way her cheeks flush . . . how her pink lips are slightly parted in the shape of an O . . . the way the moonlight from his window makes her eyes appear to sparkle. It would be so easy for him to just . . .

"Penny, if you insist on being loud and unruly, you should do it in confines of your own apartment," he scolds, breaking the spell between them. "Come along, I'll make you a hot beverage."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Sheldon and Penny are seated next to one another on her couch in awkward silence. Sheldon has just poured Penny a second cup of coffee. As she dutifully drinks it, morsels of pesky sobriety begin to intrude on her drunken haze, bringing with them all the sadness, confusion, anger, and frustration that she had been attempting to blot away with liquor, in the first place.

"Sheldon," she says finally. "Can I ask you something?"

"Your inquiry is tautological," Sheldon explains matter-of-factly. "By asking me whether you are capable of asking me a question, you are actually already_ asking_ me a question, thereby inherently providing yourself with the affirmative response you seek."

"English, Sheldon," Penny grumbles.

"Yes, you can ask me a question," the physicist says with a slight smile.

"How do you feel about the idea of Leonard and Amy having an affair?" She inquires.

"Well, that should be obvious, shouldn't it?" Sheldon replies calmly.

"It may be obvious to a genius like _you_. But not to me," Penny says solemnly.

"Well, I feel like anyone would presumably feel, if he learned his significant other was cheating on him . . . betrayed, hurt, heartbroken, etcetera and so forth," he replies robotically, as if he is reading the answer out of a textbook.

"You don't act like it, Sheldon," Penny retorts. "This whole time we've been on this so-called stakeout, it seems like you've just been going through the motions. I haven't once seen you get angry, or freak out, or . . . "

"Oh, please don't start again with your ridiculous video game metaphor," Sheldon interrupts in frustration.

Penny rises from the couch in frustration, causing the coffee cup on the table in front of her to toddle precariously in its saucer. "Sheldon, Amy is YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Leonard is YOUR ROOMMATE! This is a huge DEAL! And you don't seem to even care!"

Sheldon leans back in his chair, exasperated. "I don't know what you want from me, Penny. Do you want me to have an emotional outburst of some sort . . . cry . . . break things . . . get drunk . . . jump on the bed? I've told you multiple times now. I'm _Homo Novus. _This means that . . ."

"I want you to FEEL SOMETHING, Sheldon," Penny exclaims. "Tell me how you _feel._"

"I feel relieved, OK? Are you happy, now?" Sheldon exclaims angrily.

Penny's eyes widen like saucers, as she lets Sheldon's words sink into her consciousness. "Are you kidding?" She asks.

"Did I say Bazinga?" Sheldon replies.

"Why do you feel relieved?" Penny asks calmly.

"Penny, I'd prefer not to discuss . . ." Sheldon argues.

"Why do you feel _relieved, _Sheldon?" Penny insists.

Sheldon takes a deep breath. "You know I'm very fond of Amy," he explains. "I'm convinced she's the only female . . . maybe even the only _human_ on this planet, whose intelligence rivals my own. She shares my love of science. She is an excellent conversationalist. And I feel more comfortable in her company than I feel with nearly all other females."

"OK," Penny says, encouraging Sheldon to continue.

"When I entered into my relationship agreement with Amy, I did so believing that it was a partnership that was mutually beneficial to both parties. She received the emotional benefits, and bragging rights, associated with having a 'boyfriend,' and I received the intellectual stimulation and security of having such a superior specimen of the female species as my partner."

"Get to the part about feeling relief," Penny prods impatiently.

Sheldon glares at Penny, but continues, "During the course of our relationship, I came to care about Amy a great deal, more so than I ever expected I was capable of caring about someone other than myself. But in caring for Amy, I came to recognize that, _in practice_, our relationship was not quite as beneficial for_ her_, as it was for me. I realize that she has certain needs that I will never be able to fulfill in the context of our relationship."

"_Sexual_ needs," Penny corrected.

"Sex is a component, yes. But I'm referring more to emotional intimacy," Sheldon offers. "Lately, I've begun to feel that our relationship has been preventing Amy from exploring certain emotional aspects of her character that I lack. And we both know that Leonard's emotional tendencies rival those of a female in the throes of her menstrual cycle. This so-called affair between the two of them seemed like the most logical solution to my conundrum."

The sober part of Penny is proud of Sheldon for admitting this to her. She's impressed by his ability to see how his own shortcomings adversely impact Amy, and the surprisingly selfless way he's dealing with this knowledge. The drunk part of Penny, however, is just REALLY PISSED OFF!

Ultimately, Drunk Penny wins out . . .

Acting on impulse, Penny begins angrily unzipping her dress, allowing the expensive fabric - which cost two weeks of her salary - to drop to the floor in a crumpled mess. She does the same with her stockings, as Sheldon looks on in wide-eyed horror.

"Penny, what are you doing? This is not a brothel! Put your clothing back on, immediately!" Sheldon demands, as he shields his eyes with his hand.

"What does it matter, Sheldon?" Penny exclaims, now clad in nothing but her bra and panties. "You're a robot. You have no feelings! No sexual desires! This does nothing for you! I might as well make myself comfortable!"

"Penny, you're being ridiculous. Please stop," Sheldon pleads, as he bends down to retrieve Penny's dress and stockings from the floor.

"I'm being ridiculous? _I'm _being ridiculous? For two weeks, we've spent HOURS stalking Leonard and Amy, trying to catch them in the act of having an affair . . . all because I STUPIDLY believed you and I were in this together. And all this time you were ROOTING FOR THEM? Why did you even bother to come on these stakeouts with me, if you didn't two craps about the outcome? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" Penny demands.

She snatches the dress from Sheldon's hands, and attempts to rip it. Knowing how miserable Sober Penny will undoubtedly be when she wakes up in the morning, and sees what her drunken counterpart did to her expensive dress, Sheldon grabs a tight hold of both the waitress' wrists, so that she can inflict no further damage on the garment.

"I did it, because I missed you," Sheldon admits finally.

"What?" Penny whispers, allowing the fabric to fall to the floor.

She is suddenly very aware of her surroundings . . . the heat of Sheldon's fingers on her wrists . . . how intensely his blue eyes are boring into hers . . . how close they are standing to one another . . . how nearly naked she is.

"I missed you," Sheldon says shyly. "We used to spend so much time together, you and I . . . drives to work . . . trips to Disneyland . . . game night . . . spaghetti dinners in your apartment . . . you even took me shopping a few times, and Leonard doesn't even like to do that. In all the time we've been acquainted with one another - whether you were engaging in coitus with Leonard at the time, or you weren't - it never affected our companionship. We were always a constant. And I found your presence in my life surprisingly enjoyable and comforting."

"Then, I entered into a relationship with Amy, and everything changed. You and I didn't spend as much time together anymore. The negative impact of your absence on my well-being was considerable. And . . . I suppose, I saw this stakeout as an opportunity to spend time with you again."

Before Penny can stop herself, she's crushing Sheldon's lips with her own. She can feel Sheldon staring at her in shock, from behind her closed eyes. And she begins to wonder if she's just made a HUGE mistake. But then, something remarkable happens. Sheldon starts _kissing her back_. She feels his soft mouth exploring hers, as his hands gently release their grip from her wrists, and begin sliding up the contours of her shoulders.

"Penny," he says into her neck.

And it's meant to be an admonition . . . a warning that what they are doing is wrong . . . _illogical_ . . . that they should stop this now, before it goes too far. But as her name escapes his lips, it conveys something else entirely . . . _need . . . _an unquenchable desire to consume and be consumed, by _her_ . . . by this feeling he had never known he was capable of experiencing. It terrifies and excites him at the same time.

It's a surprisingly messy make out, given Sheldon's trademark incessant need for cleanliness and order. Hands and limbs are jostling one another for space . . . lips and mouths are awkwardly exploring one another for the first time. And, of course, Sheldon is far from the world's most experienced kisser. Yet, something about this feels _so right_ to Penny, in a way she never would have expected. She's making out with Dr. Wackadoodle. And it somehow feels like . . . _home._

Sheldon kisses her more deeply now, intoxicated and energized by the unique mixture of liquor and coffee on her lips. He feels almost uncomfortably warm, his whole body tingling with frenetic energy. Sheldon can scientifically pinpoint the exact moment when his brain short circuits, and stops working entirely. And it feels . . . _spectacular_.

And then, everything stops. Sheldon's world comes jarringly back into focus, as he realizes the enormity of what has just occurred. His staunch dedication to science above all else . . . his friendship with Leonard . . . his relationship with Amy . . . heck, his relationship with _Penny_ . . . he's put it all at risk . . . all for a moment of petty carnal pleasure. He's no longer a _Homo Novus_. He's a _Neanderthal._

"Sheldon, what's wrong?" Penny asks with concern.

He's stopped kissing her now, and is standing stock still . . . not even breathing. He looks like a frightened child. Penny reaches her hand out to comfort him.

But Sheldon will _not _be comforted. He doesn't deserve it. Not after what he's done.

"I . . . I have to go," the physicist sputters, as he dashes from Penny's apartment.

"Sheldon, wait! Let's talk about this," Penny calls after him.

But he's already gone . . .


	6. Dodging Bullets

_Text Message from Penny at 8:25 p.m._

Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon

_Text Message from Penny at 8:26 p.m._

Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon

_Text Message from Penny at 8:28 p.m._

Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon

_Text Message from Penny at 8:35 p.m._

See what I did there? I knocked on your cell phone. That was pretty funny, right?

_Text Message from Penny at 9:25 p.m._

Sheldon? Come on! Eventually, you are going to have to talk to me again.

_Text Message from Penny at 11:25 a.m._

That's it. I'm calling your mother.

_Text Message from Penny at 12:10 p.m._

Seriously? That didn't work?

It is official. Sheldon Cooper is avoiding her. At first, she chalks it up to unhappy coincidence . . . the way Sheldon always seems to have "just left," whenever she stops by the apartment . . . how she no longer runs into him on the stairwell, or near the mailboxes. It isn't until Sheldon skips out on Laundry Night that Penny comes to accept just how dire this situation has become.

To complicate matters further, Penny still isn't sure how to confront Leonard about his relationship with Amy, without implicating Sheldon. She had always assumed the two of them would confront their respective significant others together. But now that she and the physicist aren't speaking, she fears that coming clean in the wrong way, could cause her to lose Sheldon forever.

"Thank you for having me over, Penny," Leonard offers, as the two sit next to one another on Penny's couch, eating pizza directly out of the box. (Leonard's half is cheese-free, of course.) "Sheldon and Amy are filming another installment of _Fun with Flags_, in my living room. And I just really needed to get away."

"Sheldon and Amy are there now . . . _together_?" Penny asks nonchalantly, in between bites of pizza.

"Yeah . . . why?"

"No reason," Penny replies nervously. "Listen, have you noticed anything strange about Sheldon, lately?"

Leonard laughs. "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Penny rolls her eyes. "Strange _for him_, I mean."

Leonard considers this for a moment. "Not particularly. _Should_ he be acting stranger than usual?"

"No," Penny says abruptly. "Hey, I've got an idea. We should go over there and help them with their video."

Leonard raises his eyebrows. "That's a joke, right?"

Penny shakes her head. "No, I'm serious. I think it would be fun. The last time I was in an episode of _Fun with Flags_, I got a lot of positive comments from YouTube viewers who are fans of the show."

"That's because 'fans of Fun with Flags' want to have sex with you, rather than the blow-up dolls with whom they usually engage in intercourse," Leonard retorts.

Penny pointedly ignores the comment. "Come on, Leonard. It could be sort of like a double date. Unless, of course, you don't feel comfortable around _Amy_."

"I feel very comfortable around Amy_. I like Amy_," Leonard replies, as he uses the back of his sleeve to wipe tomato sauce off his lower lip.

"I bet you do," Penny mutters under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Hey, Penny . . . umm . . . I have a confession to make," Leonard begins awkwardly, as he stares intently at his shoelaces

"About you and Amy?" Penny asks, her eyebrows raised. _Here it comes_, she thinks to herself.

"Yeah . . . how did you know?" Leonard asks.

"Have at it, Big Guy. The truth will set you free," she insists dryly.

"Uhhh . . . . OK," Leonard begins. "Well . . . here's the thing . . . Amy and I are . . ."

At this point, Penny interrupts and says, "sleeping together," at precisely the same time that Leonard says . . .

" . . . part of a role playing society for the PBS series _Downton Abbey_."

Then, they both say simultaneously, "Wait . . . what?"

"You thought I was sleeping with Amy?" Leonard asks incredulously.

"Who _me_? NO," she exclaims, with an exaggerated laugh. "I was just kidding. Why would I possibly think a crazy thing like that? You and Amy? Sex? With each other? Hahaha!"

"Well, it's not _that_ crazy," Leonard grumbles, clearly offended.

_I can't wait to tell Sheldon about this. _Penny thinks to herself. Then, she remembers that she isn't speaking to Sheldon, which causes her to miss him even more . . .

"So, tell me about this little club of yours," Penny insists, trying hard to keep from laughing, and only partially succeeding. "How did you get involved in it?"

"Well, one night, when you were working, Amy came over to hang out with Sheldon. And she brought over the first season of _Downton Abbey_. It wasn't the type of show I typically enjoy. But I decided to join them, anyway. Honestly, I didn't have anything better to do. And it's not like you ever have to worry about Amy and Sheldon making out on the couch in front of you, while you are watching TV."

_I bet Sheldon would make out with ME on the couch, if WE were watching TV together._ Penny thinks to herself, and immediately feels guilty for doing so.

"So, we are watching the show. And Sheldon's just, you know, being Sheldon. He's talking about how rudimentary the toilets and plumbing systems were back in the early 1900's. Then, he starts in about how the cafeteria at our college should have an upstairs and a downstairs, so that he wouldn't have to eat with teachers who don't have doctorates. I'm sure Howard would just love that."

Penny laughs. _Yup, that's My Sheldon . . . Wait . . . My Sheldon? What's wrong with me?_

"But despite Sheldon's unwanted commentary, I'm actually really enjoying the series. There's just something so dignified and proper about that time period, you know? And the characters are so rich and diverse."

"So, the next time Amy comes by, she lends me the DVD for the second season," Leonard continues. "The next thing I know, we both joined this message board about the show. And that's where we found out about this role playing society that meets every Monday and Thursday night. They were holding auditions that week. It was all kind of cloak and dagger. The night before, we got text messages from a blocked number with the address where we had to go."

"Just out of curiosity, when you type Downton into your iPhone does it autocorrect as Downtown?" Penny muses thoughtfully.

"Yeah! It does, actually. How did you know?" Leonard asks, impressed.

"Just a guess," replies Penny shaking her head.

_Man, do I feel like an idiot._

"Now, you know me. I'm not exactly what anyone would call leading man material. But something clicked at that audition. I got the character of Matthew Crawley. He's pretty much the lead male of the show. And Amy landed the role of . . ."

"_Mary_," Penny interrupts, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah! You're good at this," muses Leonard.

"Leonard, why didn't you just tell me what you were doing? Wouldn't that have been a lot easier than sneaking around, and making excuses every Monday and Thursday, as to why we couldn't see one another," Penny inquires solemnly.

"Honestly, I don't know why I did it. I guess I just thought you'd think the whole role-playing thing was stupid."

Penny shrugs her shoulders. "Well . . . I do think it's _a little _stupid. But I would have supported you, if you told me about it. I'm an actress, remember?"

"So, you would have _acted_ like you supported me?" Leonard pouts.

"That's not what I mean!" Penny insists, slapping Leonard on the shoulder playfully. "What I'm saying is that, when you think about it, role playing is just another form of acting."

"You know what? You're right, Penny. I never thought of it that way," Leonard notes. "Thank you for being so cool about this."

_Yeah, aside from the part where I totally didn't trust you, and stalked your ass for three weeks, I was totally cool._ She thinks.

But what she _says _is, "That's me . . . your Cool Girlfriend."

"And hey, maybe, one day, you and Sheldon can come watch Amy and I role play," Leonard offers, hopefully.

_Been there, done that._ Penny thinks to herself, followed by, _I have to tell Sheldon about this NOW!_

"I'll be right back, Sweetie. I have to use the little girl's room," the waitress promises, rising from her spot on the couch.

"Umm . . . you take your cell phone with you to the bathroom?" Leonard asks.

"Yeah, doesn't everybody?" Penny replies innocently.

_Text message from Penny at 7:46 p.m._

OK, Sheldon, I know you are busy fondling flags with Amy. But I have something HUGE to tell you relating to the Downtown Justice League. Curious? Get your butt to the bathroom and call me!

Leonard settles back on the couch, as a sense of relief washes over him. It feels so good to finally get that secret off his chest. He has no idea why he was so worried to tell Penny about his new hobby. He muses that she is a much more understanding person than he gives her credit for being . . .

Then his cell phone rings . . . and so does Penny's laptop.

Leonard looks at his phone. Howard is calling him. His phone rings again . . . and Penny's laptop rings too.

Looking around the room surreptitiously to make sure nobody is watching, Leonard opens Penny's laptop . . .

"Ummm . . . Howard, I have to call you back," he says into the phone.

Having received no phone call from Sheldon, a slightly dejected Penny returns to her spot on the couch.

"Hey Penny, I changed my mind. I think I'd like to help Sheldon and Amy with _Fun with Flags,_ after all," says Leonard, with a hint of malice in his voice that Penny is much too distracted to detect.

"Really? That's great! Let me grab my purse," Penny exclaims. _Dr. Wackadoodle, your time for ignoring me is OVER!_

"Ummm, Leonard," Penny inquires, as the pair enters the hallway between their two apartments. "Why are you carrying my laptop?"

"You'll see," replies Leonard, with an evil glint in his eye.

* * *

They've all assumed their positions. Sheldon, of course, is in his spot, leaning forward ever so slightly, with his hands clasped in his lap. Amy is seated next to him in the center of the couch, a seat that Penny herself has occupied so often, over the years, that she has somewhat come to consider it _her_ spot. Though, she knows it would be strange for her to sit there now, under the circumstances. Instead, she opts for the comfy armchair, next to Leonard, who has chosen the hard-backed wooden chair for himself . . . his own comfort clearly not a source of concern for this meeting.

"Amy . . . _Sheldon_, I'm sorry for interrupting your filming. But what I'm about to say is really important," Leonard began sternly.

"That's OK, Leonard," Sheldon offers benevolently, while pointedly refusing to look Penny in the eye. "We actually had just finished filming. This was a short installment of _Fun with Flags_ done entirely to the tune of the _Game of Thrones _theme music. I am proud to report that Amy and I managed to incorporate all of the family seals from the series into the song, including some of the lesser houses, which are only briefly mentioned in the books."

"That's _great_, Sheldon," Leonard says icily. "Anyway, I've called you all together for a little game of Show and Tell."

"I should warn you that the concept of Show and Tell bears with it some very traumatic memories from my childhood," warns Amy. "When I was in first grade, I tried to explain to my classmates the principles behind cold fusion using ice cubes and water balloons, and somehow wound up with both lodged painfully inside my panties. I walked bowl-legged for a week."

"That's terrible," Penny commiserates.

"Thank you, Bestie," Amy replies adoringly. "So, if it any time during this game, I happen to curl up in fetal position, and start rocking back and forth on the couch, please don't be alarmed."

"I'll take that into consideration," offers Leonard. "Fortunately, this isn't _that_ type of Show and Tell. Let's start with the Tell. Sheldon, every Monday and Thursday night for the past three weeks, Amy and I have acted as members of an exclusive _Downton Abbey_ role-playing club."

"I'm sorry, Sheldon," Amy says solemnly. "I wanted to tell you. But it involved renting period costumes. And I know how you feel about the unsanitary nature of clothing rental."

Sheldon's facial expression morphs from shock to understanding to nonchalance in a matter of mere seconds. Penny is impressed. Maybe those acting lessons she had given him had actually helped!

"Fascinating," Sheldon replies. "Speaking of Downton Abbey, did you ever notice how when you text message the title of the series to someone else's phone it automatically autocorrects as 'Downtown?'"

"How come everybody knew about this but me?" Leonard muses.

"Can I ask what roles you were assigned?" Sheldon continues conversationally.

"Leonard is Matthew Crawley. And I'm the lovely Lady Mary," Amy admits proudly. "On occasion, I even wear the tiara you bought me. The other role players say Mary would never wear it, but I don't care, dammit. I love my tiara!"

_She's his Mary! It all makes sense now. _Sheldon thinks to himself, recognition dawning on his face.

"Leonard, you've been given the part of Matthew?" Sheldon asks. "Forgive my use of the vernacular, but isn't he a bit _studly_ for you?"

"I can be studly," Leonard replies defensively.

"There are only two men in the _Downton Abbey_ Roleplaying Society," Amy interjects. "Leonard is the only one of them who is willing to stage kiss a woman."

"Well, that explains things," Sheldon concludes.

"Now, on to the _Show _portion of our evening," Leonard says abruptly, a slight scowl on his face.

He hands Amy Penny's computer. Penny holds her breath, while Amy examines the offending computer program. Meanwhile, Sheldon remains eerily still, staring straight ahead, like the unfeeling robot Penny had once mistakenly believed him to be.

"This is a remarkably impressive program," Amy notes, with a hint of admiration. "Bestie, are you stalking me?"

"Amy, I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but our respective significant others have undoubtedly been conspiring against us, invading our privacy, and betraying our trust, for weeks now," Leonard states coldly.

"Not_ your_ significant other," Sheldon corrects. "Just me."

"Sheldon . . ." Penny begins to protest.

"Penny played no role in my subterfuge, whatsoever," Sheldon explains calmly. "I alone had come to suspect that you and Amy were engaged in coitus, and set out to singlehandedly bring you down for your indiscretions. Under the guise of fixing Penny's computer, I surreptitiously installed this program onto her laptop, so that I could monitor both of your doings, without risk of discovery. Our unassuming neighbor was nothing but a pawn in my nefarious game."

Leonard turns toward Penny, and mistakenly takes the look of shock on her face, as a corroboration of her innocence. "Penny, I'm sorry I doubted you. I should have realized what a kind and trustworthy soul you are. Obviously, this type of deceitfulness could only come from Sheldon. I hope you'll forgive me."

"I . . . um . . . yeah, sure," Penny replies, confused.

"Amy Farrah Fowler, I understand my odious actions are in direct violation of Paragraph 16, Subsection a(i) of our Relationship Agreement, and will understand completely if you wish to terminate it, as a result of my misconduct," Sheldon says, as he turns to face Amy.

"Sheldon, do you mean to tell me that you knowingly committed the federal offense of wiretapping, not to mention likely engaged in criminal levels of stalking, all because you were jealous of me and Leonard spending time together?" Amy asks incredulously.

"It's despicable, I know," Sheldon admits, hanging his head.

"That is SO romantic!" Amy exclaims, throwing her arms around Sheldon, and kissing him on the cheek.

"Amy, you're actually OK with what Sheldon did to you?" Leonard asks, his eyes narrowed in frustration."

"Are you kidding? I'm thrilled! My relationship just became a _Lifetime_ Movie starring Tori Spelling as me. Take that, Mean Girls from High School!" Amy exclaims. "On that note, I'm going to head home. I wanted to end this night on a high note. And it doesn't get much higher than this. Sheldon, walk me downstairs?"

"Of course, Amy," Sheldon replies, rising from his spot on the couch.

"Amy, I'd like to walk you downstairs too, if you don't mind," Penny blurts out.

"Uhh . . . I don't think that's . . ." Sheldon protests.

"Shame on you, Sheldon," Amy scolds. "Your compulsive need to have me all to yourself is undeniably sexy. But if my Beautiful Bestie wants to escort me out, you are just going to have to accept it. Don't worry! I'm sure she won't try to have her way with me, under your watchful eye."

Penny crinkles her nose at the implication, but allows Amy to lead her out the door, anyway.

"This is great!" Amy exclaims cheerily. "My two favorite people escorting me to the door. Lady Mary would be jealous."

Amy has one arm around Sheldon's shoulders and the other around Penny's, making navigation down the narrow staircase extremely difficult. Yet, somehow they manage to reach the lobby without incident. "Good night, Sheldon Cooper. Good night, Bestie," Amy says, her usual formality returning, as she reaches the door.

"Good night, Amy," the physicist and the waitress reply in unison.

Once Amy is out of sight, Sheldon turns abruptly toward the stairs, but is stopped by Penny's insistent hand clamping down on his wrist. "Why did you do it, Sheldon?" She asks intently, meeting his eyes for the first time that evening. "Why did you take the blame for me?"

Sheldon sighs. And Penny notices for the first time, how tired he looks . . . the way patches of blue hover around his eyes. "Had Leonard come to know of your part in our takedown scheme, he would at best, engage you in a most unpleasant altercation for an extended period of time, and, at worst, terminate your relationship," the physicist admits. "Once it became apparent that Leonard and Amy were not, in fact, engaged in coitus, it occurred to me that you would likely desire a return to the status quo, i.e. you and Leonard continuing coitus with one another, and Amy and I resuming our Relationship Agreement. I simply chose the course of action that seemed most likely to yield that result."

Penny blinks, as she processes the magnitude of what Sheldon has just done for her. "And what about _you_, Sheldon" she asks. "What do _you _want?"

Sheldon moves toward her, and presses his hands against either side of her waist, as if silently requesting a slow dance. "I want . . ." he says softly, as he pulls her toward him, his intense gaze entrancing her. . . drawing her increasingly hazy mind ever closer to the abyss.

_He's going to kiss me again._ Penny thinks to herself. _And it won't be a spur-of-the-moment thing, or something we can chalk up to my own intoxication, or anger about Amy and Leonard, or the heat of the moment. He's going to kiss me again, and it's going to change everything._

And that's when it dawns on Penny. _I want him to kiss me._

They are inches apart now . . . so close that Penny can hear Sheldon's heart beating in his chest. _It's just a kiss. You've done it millions of times before. _She chides herself.

But it's so much more than that this time. And the anticipation is nearly driving her insane.

Sheldon leans forward and presses his lips softly to Penny's forehead. He lingers there for three, four, five seconds, before reluctantly pulling back. It's the most heartbreaking kiss Penny has ever experienced.

"I want you to be happy, Penny," Sheldon replies sadly, his voice slightly hoarse, as if he is choking back tears. "Your happiness is all I ever really wanted."

With that, he disappears into the stairwell, taking two steps at a time, like the Flash character on the t-shirt he wears far too often. And Penny is left alone to stare at the space he recently occupied. She presses her hand to her forehead, where the ghost of his lips still linger, a sad reminder of what could have been . . . what _should be_.

"Well, you're doing a terrible job!" She shouts back to nobody in particular.


	7. Divide and Conquer

7:32 a.m.

Penny snuggles deeper into her pillow, a blissful grin on her face. The best part of working the lunch and dinner shift at the Cheesecake Factory is definitely not the pay. Nor is it the hideous mustard-colored polyester uniform she has to wear, day in, and day out. (The darn thing is so uncomfortably itchy that she is quite sure the angry red "garden path" of hives across her chest is permanent.)

Rather, it is_ this_ moment, _right now_ . . . the moment when Penny inadvertently wakes up around the time when all her friends with desk jobs' alarms go off, alerting them to the upcoming day. While they moan, grumble, and shuffle into their showers, like zombies, she can smirk smugly, knowing that _she _doesn't need to even _move_ from her bed for another three hours . . . four, if she decides to go to work, without showering, which happens more often than she'd like to admit.

Knock-knock . . . Knock-knock

_Well, it's definitely not Sheldon._ Penny thinks to herself.

The realization disappoints her, perhaps, more than it should . . . especially, considering the fact that she's currently dating someone else . . .

_Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away._

Knock-knock . . . Knock-knock.

Penny fluffs her pillow, flips over so that her back is facing the door, and attempts to go back to sleep.

Then, her cell phone vibrates . . .

_Text message from Amy Farrah Fowler at 7:36 a.m._

Hey Bestie, I'm outside your door.

_Text message from Amy Farrah Fowler at 7:38 a.m._

Penny?

_Text message from Amy Farrah Fowler at 7:43 a.m._

I know you are in there, Penny. I heard your light melodious snores coming from your apartment, just _moments ago._

_Text message from Amy Farrah Fowler at 7:44 a.m._

It sounded like Heaven.

Penny grumbles and angrily covers her head with her pillow, to prevent her from hearing the sound of her phone vibrating on her night table.

That's when her landline starts ringing.

"Damn you, Triple Play Cable Plan," Penny grouses, out loud. "I knew I should have stuck with just a cell phone! If only they hadn't thrown in free HBO . . . Stupid _True Blood_!"

Sighing, Penny, tosses her comforter to the side, and groggily shuffles toward her front door. There, she finds Amy Farrah Fowler, clad in her favorite green sweater set, cradling her cell phone to her ear. "Oh, Penny, I was just going to leave you a voicemail," Amy admits, gesturing toward the answering machine on Penny's counter.

"Amy, it's not even 8 a.m.! What's so important that you couldn't wait until a decent hour to tell me?" Penny asks grumpily.

"Shh!" Amy raises her finger to her lips. "I have to leave you a message first. It's rude to hang up on someone's voicemail."

"Yes, because we certainly wouldn't want to do anything _rude _. . . like . . . say waking someone up in practically the middle of the night, for no good reason," Penny notes, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Hi Penny," Amy says into her cell phone, as a tinnier version of her voice echoes on the waitress' answering machine. "It's Amy. I just called to let you know I'd be stopping by your house on the way to work. I hope that's OK. See you soon! Bye Bestie!"

Amy hangs up the phone, clasps her hands in front of her, and looks at Penny expectantly.

"What is it, Amy?" Penny insists, her body still stubbornly blocking the doorframe.

"I have something to deliver to you. And since, ideally, I'd like to have you sign it, by the end of the day, I wanted to make sure you had ample time to read it, before putting pen to paper," Amy explains solemnly.

Penny rolls her eyes and extends her hand. Amy then removes a yellow folder from her briefcase, and places it in Penny's waiting palm. Her curiosity having beaten out her annoyance, and tiredness, Penny opens the folder and reads the cover page of the document inside.

"Sheldon Cooper's and Amy Farrah Fowler's Agreement for the Shared Custody of Penny," Penny reads out loud incredulously. "Amy, what the heck is this?"

"Well, it's quite simple, really," Amy explains calmly. "Sheldon and I have terminated our Relationship Agreement. An equitable distribution of assets is the logical next step in the dissolution process."

"Oh Sweetie," Penny exclaims, placing her arm around Amy's back. "I'm so sorry. Come inside."

Penny leads Amy to her couch, and immediately reverts into Doting Mother Hen mode. "Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea, ice cream, hard liquor?" She asks anxiously.

"No, thank you," says Amy, "The last time I drank liquids of any kind, before my commute to work, I ended up having to stop at a gas station to use the restroom. The attendant called me 'Sweet Tits,' and slapped my behind, multiple times, before escorting me to the toilet. It would have been flattering, had the man not bore such a close resemblance to my Great Uncle Melvin. I've been deathly afraid of public restrooms, ever since."

"OK . . . no liquids," Penny replies empathetically. "Now, tell me what happened, Amy. Did Sheldon say why he broke up with you?"

"Oh no, Penny, you seem to have misunderstood. _I_ was the one initiated the agreement termination. Sheldon merely assented to it."

"Seriously?" Penny asks, unable to hide her shock. "Why? Was it because of the whole Stalking Thing?" She asks guiltily.

_Was it because Sheldon and I made out in my apartment, while I was drunk and half naked? _She adds to herself.

"No," Amy replies with a goofy grin on her face. "I still think that was _extremely HOT. _Actually, my reasons for ending things with Sheldon have to do with _Downton Abbey_, and . . . well . . . Leonard."

"_Leonard_," Penny repeats, pursing her lips. (Perhaps, her and Sheldon hadn't been so off-base, after all.) "Do tell."

Amy nods primly. "Well, it may surprise you to know that Sheldon and I didn't exactly have the most active sex life."

"You and Sheldon? I'm shocked," Penny says dryly.

"Yes, it's true," Amy admits, her friend's sarcasm having completely evaded her. "We put up a good front, of course. I'm sure to outsiders of the relationship - like you, Bernadette, and Leonard - we probably seemed like crazed sex kittens."

"'Sex Kittens' isn't exactly the term I would use to describe you two," Penny mutters under her breath.

"But behind closed doors, things were, rather _clinical _between us,_"_ Amy explains. "As Sheldon has always said, ours was a Relationship of the Mind. And that was fine with me, for the longest time. We were two scientists conducting a shared experiment relating to the intricacies of romantic coupling. We were Marie and Pierre Curie . . . without the whole Tragic Death-by-Radiation thing."

Penny is amazed by how similar Amy's summation of her relationship to Sheldon was to Sheldon's own explanation of it, earlier that month. _They really are so much alike._ She thinks to herself, which leads to her wonder: _How can I compete with that?_

And _that_ thought ultimately leads to: _Maybe, now I won't have to . . ._

A thought that brings her right back around to, _WHY AM I THINKING THIS WAY ABOUT SHELDON, WHEN I'M DATING LEONARD?_

Meanwhile, outside of Penny's head, Amy is still talking . . .

"Things started to change for me, when Leonard and I joined the _Downton Abbey_ Role Playing Society. Playing Lady Mary exposed me to a side of myself I didn't know was there . . . a side that was passionate and sensual. Being Mary allowed me to explore my femininity and sexuality, in a way that being Amy Farrah Fowler never did," Amy muses.

"And you explored that sexuality with _Leonard_," Penny probes.

"Yes," Amy replies. "Wait . . . no, NO," she corrects, her cheeks bright red. "I mean, not _physically_, at least. We staged kissed a few times, but that was just . . ."

"_Acting,"_ Penny interjects.

Penny knows all about _stage kissing_, having fallen for many a leading man, during her time as an amateur actress.

"Precisely," Amy replies eagerly. "I just really loved Matthew's and Mary's relationship. The way they _burned_ for one another . . . how, whenever they were in the same room, you could_ feel_ their passion for each other. It was palpable, even when they weren't saying anything at all."

"You _do_ know that Matthew and Mary are fictional characters, right?" Penny inquires sternly.

"Of course," Amy responds. "But the emotions behind the characters are _real. _The writer had to have experienced them, personally, in order to put them on paper. And the actors had to know what those emotions felt like, in order to portray them so realistically on screen. Love like that _exists_. Of that, I am scientifically certain."

Penny nods quietly, remembering how she felt, the night she kissed Sheldon, for the first time . . . the way her whole body seemed charged with heat and electricity. And the strange thing is, she felt that way _long before she kissed him_. Penny recalls the way hers and Sheldon's hands inadvertently brushed against one another, in the limousine . . . how firmly he gripped her thighs, when he raised her up to the window of that house to spy on Amy and Leonard . . . the look he gave her, the first time he saw her in that red dress. In and of themselves, these were all innocent acts. Yet something about doing with _Sheldon _made them charged with a certain level of intimacy and excitement that she had never experienced before.

"Anyway, it occurred to me, that no matter how fervently we experimented with one another, Sheldon would never feel_ that_ way for me, nor I, for him. To Sheldon, I will always be _Lady Edith_, the smartest and funniest of the sisters, with whom, for whatever reason, no one ever seems to want to engage in intercourse," Amy admits.

"But the night you learned about the computer program, you seemed so . . . _happy_," Penny insists.

"I thought that Sheldon's going through all that trouble to spy on me, could be a hint that his feelings for me had changed," Amy muses. ". . . that he would start to become the loving, romantic, Sheldon, I always knew that, deep down, he could be. But after that night, things went right back to normal. If anything, Sheldon became even more cold and distant with me, than he was before. I still believe Sheldon is a passionate soul, capable of deep love and affection. _I'll _just never be his Mary."

"Amy, I'm so sorry," Penny repeats solemnly, because it's all she can think to say.

Amy smiles sadly. "It's OK. Anyway, I didn't come here to bore you with the details of my failed relationship. I came here to get you to sign this, preferably, by the time I return from work."

Penny had completely forgotten about the Agreement. She looks down at the thick pile of paper now, shaking her head. "Amy, what the hell is this?"

Amy cracks her knuckles, and takes a deep breath. "Back when we were still in relationship, Sheldon told me about the time when you and Leonard broke up. He talked about how hard it was for him, to bounce back and forth between the two of you . . . how it made him feel extremely guilty . . . and how it caused him to get attacked on the street by a rabid Rottweiler, while carrying hot dogs to your house."

Penny smiles, as she remembers that disastrous dinner.

"Sheldon and I want you to know that this is _not your fault._ And just because we aren't together any more, it doesn't mean that we love _you_ any less," Amy explains solemnly. "This agreement just makes the lines a bit less blurry. It ensures the continuation of both your best friendship with me, and whatever bizarre relationship you have with Sheldon."

Penny shakes her head. "Amy, I appreciate what you are trying to do. But Sheldon would never agree to something like this."

"But Penny, it was _his_ idea," Amy explains. "He wrote most of the agreement. I just added in a few extra terms. See, his signature is right here," she says, flipping to the last page of the document.

Sure enough, there it is, "Dr. Sheldon Cooper." He signed in red pen.

Something about the sight of that signature wipes away Penny's earlier feelings of guilt and sympathy for Sheldon's and Amy's plight, and replaces it with sheer and unadulterated rage. _Who does Sheldon think he is, making an AGREEMENT about me, like I'm some kind of overpriced toy, he bought at the comic book shop . . . treating me like I'm his property? How dare he kiss me, and then treat me like this . . . making poor Amy a messenger of his antiquated ideas about women and relationships? I can't believe I thought for a minute that I had feelings for this ASSHOLE!_

"Amy, I want you to know that I absolutely plan on continuing to hang out with you. As far as I'm concerned, your relationship with Sheldon has nothing to do with your friendship with me. You and I will always be friends, no matter who we are dating," Penny insists.

Amy starts jumping up and down, clapping like an excited toddler, or an over-stimulated seal. She even throws in a few fist pumps, for good measure.

"YIPPEE! WOOHOO! RAISE THE ROOF! WHAT-WHAT! You have no idea how much that means to me, Bestie," she exclaims, throwing her arms around Penny, and giving her the longest, most excruciatingly suffocating, hug the waitress has ever experienced. And if I must say, your bed head and morning breath make you even more radiant than you are normally."

"Ummm, thanks?" Penny replies.

"So, you'll sign the Agreement?" Amy asks hopefully.

"I was getting to that part," Penny replies. "Please don't take this at all personally, when I tell you that you can tell Sheldon that he can take his stupid custody agreement, and shove it up his ass."

Amy's eyes widen, "Are you sure you want to do that?" She asks nervously.

"Positive," Penny says, as she places the stack of papers firmly in Amy's hands.

Amy shakes her head, and lays the agreement back on the counter, as she rises from the couch. "Very well, Penny. I'll accept whatever you decide. I have to go to work. But I'll be back at the end of the day to pick that up. I know you are angry at Sheldon now. But I think after reading that Agreement, you might feel differently."

"I doubt it," Penny mumbles, as she closes the door behind Amy.

Penny then stomps right back to her bedroom and closes the door . . .

Two minutes later, she's back on her couch, staring accusatorily at the stack of papers sitting on her coffee table.

"I just want you to be happy, Penny. Your happiness is all I ever wanted."

_How could the same person who uttered those genuinely sweet and romantic words, do something as insensitive, and self-centered as this_? She wonders to herself. _And what's worse, he couldn't even be bothered to deliver the Agreement himself. Instead, he had Amy do his dirty work._ _What a jerk! I'm not wasting my time reading his crap._

She goes back to her bedroom, gets under the covers, and closes her eyes . . .

She lasts only ten seconds, this time. Penny's back on the couch reading that ridiculous Custody Agreement, faster than you can say, "Dr. Wackadoodle."


	8. Surrender

_Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler hereby agree to share joint legal custody of their mutual acquaintance, Penny. This Agreement sets forth the terms and conditions of their custodial arrangement . . ._

Curled up on her couch, and cranky from lack of sleep, Penny begins reading the agreement that Sheldon and Amy made about HER, without her consent. "This better be good," she grumbles.

If it's not, she plans to walk right across the hall, drag Sheldon back to her apartment by the collar of his Superhero t-shirt, and go all junior rodeo on his ass . . .

Or maybe she'll just call his mother . . .

The first few paragraphs of the agreement are filled with dull legal mumbo jumbo, which might as well be written in Chinese, for all that Penny understands of it. "This is worse than that time I had to read _The Scarlet Letter_ in high school," she says out loud.

She skims that part quickly, and moves to the short portion of the agreement that was obviously written by Amy. Amy requests "custody" of Penny on_ her_ birthday, _Penny's birthday, _and Bernadette's birthday. She also reserves a few random nights throughout the year, that she wishes to set aside for "girls' nights," "slumber parties," "pillow fights," "games of Truth or Dare," "shopping excursions," and the like.

Amy also demands the right to serve as Maid of Honor at Penny's eventual wedding. Penny strongly suspects that this term of the agreement is included more as a "friendly reminder" to Penny than any sort of custodial requirement of Sheldon. After all, it is highly unlikely that _Sheldon _will have any interest in being Penny's Maid of Honor. (Though, truth be told, Penny wouldn't mind getting the chance to see him in a bridesmaid dress).

Amy's last request is a rather disturbing statement, in which she reserves the right to occasionally take baths with Penny, like the characters on the HBO series _Girls_ sometimes do. Once again, this request seems more geared toward Penny, than Sheldon, who always found the concept of taking baths _alone _(i.e. stewing in one's own filth)abhorrent and highly unsanitary. The notion of bathing with _others_ would, therefore, be unthinkable to him . . .

Sheldon's portion of the agreement is significantly longer, and takes up about three-quarters of the entire document. Penny continues reading . . .

_Paragraph 1: Sheldon Cooper shall have custody of Penny every Saturday night, beginning at 8:15 p.m., for Laundry Night. This is non-negotiable._

Penny smiles, secretly relieved that Sheldon's recent skipping of Laundry Night was only a one-time occurrence. Though she would never admit it to Sheldon (or anybody else, for that matter), Laundry Nights with Dr. Wackadoodle are often the highlight of her week. In fact, over the years, she has canceled many a date and social event, just so she could be in attendance.

The next few custody requests Sheldon includes in the agreement, all seem to have something to do with food. (Heaven forbid Penny's absence mess with Sheldon's precarious digestive processes . . .)

_Paragraph 4: Sheldon Cooper shall have custody of Penny on Tuesday nights, so that she, and only she, can serve him cheeseburgers precisely the way he likes them._

_Paragraph 7: Sheldon Cooper shall have custody of Penny on Monday nights, so that she is present for the group ordering of Thai takeout, and can eat the last spring roll in the box. This will prevent Sheldon from having to fight for that spring roll with Leonard, Howard and Raj._

_Paragraph 10: In the event that Sheldon Cooper locks himself out of his apartment, he reserves the right to stay at Penny's place, so as not to be exposed to the "criminal element" that sometimes frequents the hallways of his building . . . also, so that she can cook him spaghetti and hotdogs._

The "Gaming" section of the Agreement is next . . .

_Paragraph 15: Sheldon Cooper reserves Penny as his permanent Halo 3 partner. For reasons he can't quite fathom, she is both exceptionally attractive, and ridiculously skilled at the game . . . a true conundrum, if ever there was one._

Penny smirks, recalling the first time Sheldon had ever admitted that he found her attractive. And look how far he's come since then! "Asexual, my ass," Penny exclaims out loud.

_Paragraph 17: Sheldon Cooper assumes full responsibility of Penny's rehabilitation, should she ever become addicted to Age of Conan again. Likewise, Sheldon wishes for custody of Penny for HIS rehabilitation, should he ever again become addicted to coffee, or other similar gateway drugs._

Penny cringes, as she remembers the time she became addicted to online gaming, and stopped showering for a week. (It was Sheldon who ultimately talked her off the proverbial ledge, and re-introduced her to sunlight and the basics of human hygiene.) Then she laughs, recalling the time that Sheldon got high off his first-ever cup of coffee, and zoomed around the apartment in his Flash costume for an entire day . . . only to end up crashing on his couch, hours later, his red-capped head resting adorably in Penny's lap, as he shuffled off to Dreamland.

The next portion of the Agreement is dedicated to "Travel" . . .

_Paragraph 24: Sheldon Cooper requests custody of Penny on all mornings when Leonard is unavailable to drive her to work (and on some mornings, when Leonard IS available to drive him to work, but Sheldon pretends that he isn't, because he'd prefer to ride with Penny)._

Penny shakes her head. She had long suspected that Sheldon had taken to lying about Leonard's ability to drive him to work, just so she would have to take him. Nobody's car breaks down that much . . .

_Paragraph 27: Sheldon Cooper reserves the right to go on biannual trips to Disneyland with Penny, provided that Penny protect Sheldon from the truly terrifying Goofy, and that she keeps him from eating powdered sugar pastries, prior to riding Space Mountain._

_Paragraph 30: Sheldon Cooper shall retain custody of Penny at least four times a year, so that she can take him shopping for pants and shoes. (Despite her meager earnings, Penny remains the only one of Sheldon's acquaintances with any conceivable fashion sense.)_

_Paragraph 32: Sheldon Cooper reserves the right to take Penny to his hometown and introduce her to his MeeMaw, preferably before she passes. (At 95, the woman isn't exactly getting any younger.)_

"Awww, Moonpie wants me to meet his MEEMAW," Penny exclaims out loud, her eyes becoming a bit misty at the thought.

Sheldon's Mee-maw is the most important person in his life. The fact that he wants to introduce Penny to her is a HUGE DEAL. (Penny isn't even sure Leonard had ever met Mee-maw.) Not to mention the fact that Sheldon expresses interest in bringing Penny to his _hometown_, a place that is likely very similar to where she grew up.

A Midwestern upbringing is something unique that Sheldon and Penny share. Penny always felt it brought the two of them closer together. Clearly, Sheldon agrees.

This brings Penny to . . .

_Paragraph 33: Penny remains the only one of Sheldon Cooper's female friends who is EVER permitted to call his mother. (Though he would much prefer she refrained from doing it, when she's mad at him.)_

Dear sweet, Mary Cooper! She always had a bit of a soft spot in her heart for Penny. Mary once revealed to Penny that the waitress was the only woman, aside from herself, who she believed possessed the ability to keep her little Shelly from going "full-on nutzo, and getting shipped off to the funny farm." Penny had long suspected that Mary secretly hoped that Penny would make an "honest man" out of Sheldon . . . if only so that she could refrain from worrying about her son constantly.

Penny can't help but wonder what Mary Cooper would think about this "Custody Agreement." Perhaps, she'd simply be relieved that this second (presumably more permanent) breakup with Amy Farrah Fowler, didn't involve Sheldon purchasing 20-some odd cats, like last time . . .

Not surprisingly, given Sheldon's Type-A personality, and unquenchable ambition, the "Business and Career Advancement" section of the Agreement is, by far the longest of the bunch . . .

_Paragraph 36: Should Penny ever decide to resume her small business selling hair barrettes for Penny Blossoms, Inc., Sheldon Cooper reserves the right to be its acting Vice President and Operations Manager. However, all profits earned from this business shall go to Penny, herself . . . even if this means that Penny becomes extremely rich. And Sheldon is then forced to receive cheeseburgers on Tuesday nights from some far inferior, faceless, waitress named Nancy._

_Paragraph 38: Until such time as Penny becomes a wealthy Penny Blossoms Dealer and/or successful actress, she remains the only person permitted to borrow money from Sheldon's "secret spot," such that she never ends up having to live in a refrigerator box, or wash her hair with rainwater._

Leonard often complained to Penny about Sheldon's selfishness. But in Penny's personal experience, the opposite was true. She found Sheldon to be extremely generous, both with his money and his time. Whether it was pulling an all-nighter to help her make 1,000 Penny Blossoms for the LGBT Society of East Rutherford, driving her to the hospital when she broke her arm, or lending her large sums of money when she was low on cash, Sheldon was always there for Penny, when she needed him to be. And Penny knew, without question, that she would always be there for him, as well . . .

Paragraph 46: _Sheldon Cooper reserves Penny as his date for all public speaking events, including, but not limited, to his future acceptance of the Nobel Prize. This is because Penny is the only person Sheldon trusts to ensure that Sheldon Cooper doesn't wind up on stage drunk and pants-less. He'd prefer not to wind-up on YouTube again, thank you very much!_

_Paragraph 49: Sheldon Cooper requires the ability to sit in the acoustic sweet spot for all of Penny's theater performances. If Penny could reserve this seat in advance, that would be extremely helpful._

_Paragraph 50: When Penny becomes a famous actress, Sheldon Cooper reserves the right to visit to her mansion on Tuesday nights, so that she can serve him cheeseburgers. (Because, really . . . who is he kidding? That faceless waitress named Nancy just isn't going to cut it.)_

The first time Penny had ever suspected that Sheldon's feelings for her might be more than just platonic was right after he saw her perform _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_ at the community theater. The way he looked at her that night . . . with so much admiration, pride, and desire . . . it was the way every actress wishes to be looked at by her fans . . . the way ever _woman_ wishes to be looked at by a _man_.

Penny knows that Leonard tries to be supportive of her interest in acting. And yet, she can't help but feel like he will never be able to fully appreciate her talents and passion for the industry, the way Sheldon does . . .

The final section of the agreement is simply titled, "Care."

Paragraph 72: _Sheldon Cooper retains custody of Penny at all times during which he is sick, sad, or injured, such that Penny is available to sing Soft Kitty to him. Likewise, Sheldon Cooper wishes for custody of Penny at all times during which SHE is sick, sad, or injured, so that he can return the favor._

_Paragraph 73: Sheldon Cooper reserves the right to spend every Christmas with Penny. This is because Penny once gave Sheldon the greatest Christmas gift ever (LEONARD NIMOY'S DNA, AND PERSONALIZED SALUTATIONS!). And though Sheldon will never truly be able to repay her for this, he wishes to spend the rest of his life trying._

Penny grins at this, tearfully recalling the first time Dr. Wackadoodle ever hugged her. Sheldon doesn't know it, but that simple hug was actually the best Christmas gift _she _has ever received . . .

_Paragraph 74: Sheldon Cooper reserves the right to enter Penny's apartment at random, but regular, intervals, in order to clean it. (This includes periodic inspection of the bathtub, to ensure that its surface is covered with Adhesive Ducks.)_

_Paragraph 75: Sheldon Cooper renders himself solely responsible for the tutelage of Penny in matters of Physics. Lord knows, Leonard is not qualified to do this!_

By this point, Penny is well into the pink box of tissues on her coffee table . . . her face wet from tears of laughter and happiness. But it is the last paragraph of the agreement that converts her to a quivering mass of heartfelt emotionality.

_Paragraph 76: Penny remains solely responsible for the tutelage of Sheldon Cooper in all matters of relationships, love, and coitus. In such matters (and this comment is meant, in no way, to be disparaging), she is, by far, the most experienced, and smartest, person he knows._

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Penny wonders to herself.

_Sheldon_ wants Penny to school him on matters of love and coitus? He thinks she is smart? Attractive? Well-dressed? An exceptional gamer? A spectacular actress, and promising business woman? The only woman worthy of calling his mom, and meeting his Mee-maw?

Suddenly, Penny realizes what Amy meant, when she said that Penny would feel differently about Sheldon, after she read the Custody Agreement. Under the guise of being a memorial of the dissolution of Sheldon's relationship with Amy, this agreement is _actually_ a LOVE LETTER TO PENNY! It's a comprehensive, yet surprisingly sentimental, catalog of all of the memories Penny and Sheldon shared together as . . . well . . . as a _couple_.

Amy must have realized it, the minute she read it . . .

"Sheldon Cooper is totally and completely in love with me!" Penny exclaims, the words coming out much louder than she intended them. "I'm _HIS MARY_!"

With that realization comes one that's even more shocking to Penny. "OH MY GOD! I'M IN LOVE WITH SHELDON COOPER!" She yelps excitedly, knowing the words to be true, the minute they leave her mouth.

And it feels freeing to say it . . . to _feel it . . ._ FINALLY . . . like a weight has been lifted off her chest. She can't wait to tell him. In fact, she's going to run across the hall and tell him, right now.

Who cares if it's barely 8 a.m.? Who cares if she's not wearing makeup, her teeth aren't brushed, and her hair looks like a rat's nest? Penny is in love, dammit! And she wants the world to know. She wants SHELDON TO KNOW!

Penny makes it all the way across the hall, before remembering the slight hitch in her plan . . . a curly-haired complication, whose name begins with the letter "L."

"CRAP!" She exclaims out loud, as she trudges dejectedly back to her apartment.

It's at that moment that she realizes that she's locked herself out . . .


	9. Casualties of War

Funny thing about realizing you're in love with your boyfriend's roommate. It makes you feel guilty about doing things you wouldn't have thought twice about doing before . . . like say crashing at your boyfriend's apartment, after you've locked yourself out of your own.

Penny's first instinct is to somehow break back into her own apartment. So, she starts crawling around the hallway on her hands and knees, in search of something . . . _anything_ . . . that could be used to pick a lock.

And that's precisely how Leonard finds her . . .

"Uhhh . . . Penny, is this some sort of method acting technique I should know about?" He inquires dubiously.

"Oh, hey, Leonard," Penny says with a grin.

She's trying to appear casual . . . or at least as casual as one can look, while crawling around on the floor in her nightgown at 8 a.m. " 'Sup?"

"Ummmm . . . I'm going to work?" Leonard replies, with a shrug. "What are doing out here?"

"I locked myself out of my apartment," Penny admits sheepishly.

"Oh . . . well, come in then. You can call the Super from here," Leonard offers.

He's already fiddling in his pockets for his keys.

"OK? Thanks," Penny responds blushingly, as she walks past Leonard into his apartment.

"So, were you coming to see me?" Leonard asks, as he closes the door behind them.

"What?" Penny inquires nervously.

"You locked yourself of your apartment in your sleepwear," Leonard muses. "You obviously weren't planning on leaving the house. So, I assume you came to tell me something. What did you want to tell me?"

_I want to break up with you_, Penny thinks to herself.

"Well . . . no . . . I just . . . is Sheldon here?" She asks, her eyes frantically scanning the living room for signs of Dr. Wackadoodle.

"No, he's not, actually," Leonard replies. "He went to work, before I even got up this morning. I think he caught a ride with Raj. Did you know Amy broke up with him, last night?"

Penny winces. She knows this conversation is inevitable. But she's not ready to have it . . . at least, not yet.

"Mind if I use your phone?" She asks abruptly, in a feeble attempt to buy herself some time.

"Oh, yeah, sure," replies Leonard with a shrug, as he places the device into Penny's waiting palm.

Of course, The Super never answers his phone. So, she ends up text messaging him. This time, he replies right away.

"Toilet overflow on the 6th floor. I'll get to you, when I'm done."

Penny shakes her head. "I don't know why I'm surprised. This is the same guy who takes six years to fix a damn elevator," she gripes. "I'm sorry. I know you have to leave for work."

"Believe it or not, I don't actually have to be there until 10," Leonard admits, settling on the couch. "It's just that every day, beginning at 8 a.m., Sheldon usually starts following me around the apartment saying, 'It's 8:05, do you know where your Sheldon is? Well, he's obviously not at work, because _Leonard_ won't drive him there,' Leonard sing-songs, doing a surprisingly impressive impersonation of his roommate. "That . . . and all the good donuts in the teachers' lounge tend to be gone by 8:30."

"Well, great. Then, you can keep me company," Penny offers unenthusiastically, as she reaches for the remote control, and starts absent-mindedly flipping through channels. "I'm never up this early. I have no idea what's on TV, now," she adds sheepishly.

They settle on a banal morning program, in which neither has too much interest.

"Hey Penny, has Sheldon seemed strange to you, lately?" Leonard asks, staring straight ahead at the television.

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Penny jokes, using the same language that Leonard had used in response to a similar inquiry _she _made, a few days ago.

"Haha," Leonard retorts, rolling his eyes. "No, I mean . . . at first, I thought he was just upset about his breakup with Amy, like last time. But he seems weirdly OK with that. He's just so secretive and distracted, lately. Sometimes, I'll catch him staring out the window with this dreamy expression on his face. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would think he was . . ."

"You'd think he was . . . _what_?" Penny probes impatiently.

"Actually, in love with someone _else_," Leonard concludes with a shrug. "But it can't be, right? I mean, this is _Sheldon_ we are talking about here."

"He's in love with me," Penny blurts out, before she can stop herself.

To Penny's surprise, Leonard responds to this admission by _laughing?_

"I'm glad the notion of someone being in love with me is so hilarious to you," Penny pouts defensively.

Leonard raises his palms in a placating gesture. "It isn't . . . it's just . . . come on! You and _Sheldon? _You two just don't mix. It's like Superman and kryptonite. Dr. Evil dating . . . _Barbie._"

"I want to break up," Penny says softly, looking down at the floor.

Leonard's eyes widen. "Oh gosh . . . Penny, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you . . . I only meant that . . ."

Penny shakes her head. "It's not about what you said. It's just that . . . I don't think _this_ is working. I mean, lord knows, we both tried. We've been trying, for a while now. But, sometimes, I feel like we're both just going through the _motions_ of being a couple, without actually_ being_ one. You know? We don't make each other happy, Leonard."

Leonard nods silently, knowing instinctively that Penny is right. If he's being honest with himself, a part of him has seen this coming for quite some time . . . if only the rest of him hadn't been willfully ignoring the signs. "Did you ever love me at all?" He asks sadly.

"Yeah, I think I did," Penny muses. "Back at the beginning, when you were the loveable, eager-to-please nerd across the hall . . . and I was the naïve waitress, desperate for a guy who thought of me as more than a brainless pair of boobs. We were exactly what each other needed, at the time. But we've both changed so much since then. We've grown up. We've grown _apart._ It happens."

"There's someone else," he replies.

He doesn't phrase it as a question . . .

"Yes," Penny admits. "Leonard, you should know that Sheldon didn't act alone, when he put that computer program on your phone. I asked him to do it. I was the one who thought you and Amy were having an affair. Sheldon was just covering for me, because . . ."

"He loves you," Leonard concludes. "And you're falling in love with him."

"Not_ falling_," Penny corrects. "Already fell."

All of the sudden, it all makes sense to Leonard. Sheldon's strange behavior lately . . . his sudden breakup with Amy . . . the way he'd catch Penny's and Sheldon's eyes following one another across the room, when they thought no one was looking. He doesn't know how he could have been so blind.

"Leonard, I'm so sorry," Penny exclaims, reaching out to put her hand on her now ex-boyfriend's shoulder. "We never meant to hurt you."

Leonard flinches from her touch. "Don't . . . please don't," he pleads. "I'm going to go to work," he says, rising from the couch. "Feel free to stay, until you can get back into your apartment," he offers.

Then he's gone, and it's over. It was both easier, and harder, than she thought it would be . . .

The minute Leonard gets into the hallway, his cell phone rings. It's Amy. "Are you OK?" She asks him.

"Not really. Penny just dumped me for _Sheldon_. I feel like I've been warped into some alternate universe," Leonard admits.

"I know," Amy replies sympathetically.

"You _knew _this was going to happen?" Leonard inquires.

"I had a hunch," Amy answers. "Hey, listen, do you have anywhere specific you need to be right now?"

Leonard looks at his watch. He's still got an hour before he has to be at work. And yet, a part of him has already decided to call in sick. "Honestly, no," he replies.

Amy smiles. "Yeah you do. You're coming over to my apartment, where I've concocted the perfect cure for the broken hearted."

"You and I are going to drink until we pass out?" He asks hopefully.

"Better than that," Amy answers mischievously. "I've got three words for you, buddy, 'Downton Abbey Marathon.'"

* * *

Two hours later, Penny is at Caltech, standing outside Sheldon Cooper's office. She barges in without knocking . . .

Sheldon's eyes light up the minute he sees her. Then, he remembers she belongs to somebody else . . . his best friend, no less . . . and his expression hardens.

"You're in my office. My office is a sanctum dedicated solely to the pursuit of genius, and the study of theoretical physics. You _cannot_ be in my office," he says sternly.

"Tough titty, Sheldon. I'm not leaving," Penny insists, folding her arms across her chest.

"Tough_ titty_?" Sheldon repeats, a hint of amusement creeping beneath his posture of stoic annoyance.

"What the hell is this?" Penny asks, slapping the Custody Agreement on the desk in front of him.

Sheldon looks at the stack of papers calmly. "Why, it's a Custody Agreement, between myself and Amy Farrah Fowler," he replies matter-of-factly.

"I _know what it is,"_ Penny replies. "I'm asking you what it _means_."

"Well, I think that's pretty self-explanatory," Sheldon answers.

"Why don't you break it down for me, Sheldon?"

Sheldon takes a deep breath. "Very well. I've recently terminated my Relationship Agreement with Amy Farrah Fowler. Shortly thereafter, the two of us decided that it would be in the best interest of all involved to . . ."

Penny walks briskly around the desk, so that she's standing right above the physicist. "Are you in love with me, Sheldon Cooper?"

Sheldon's face turns beet red. "What? Well I . . ."

"It's a simple question," Penny interrupts. "Are you, or are you not, in love with me?"

"Yes," Sheldon blurts out, almost angrily, surprising even himself. "Yes, Penny I'm in love with you. I love your voice. And the way you laugh . . . and how your brow crinkles, when you get mad."

"I love the way make spaghetti, and hot cocoa . . . and how you always call me Sweetie, even though you say that you call everybody Sweetie. I love that you knew exactly what to get me for Christmas, without asking. And that you'd beat up bullies for me," Sheldon continues.

"I love how good you are at Halo 3 . . . and the way you sing Soft Kitty. I love the way you smell. I think a part of me has been in love with you since the day we met. And I know you think I'm a robot, and that I'm strange . . . And I know I don't possess the Alpha male body type that typically appeals to you. I realize that you'll probably never love me in return. But I . . ."

Penny pushes Sheldon's chair roughly into the back wall of office, catching him completely by surprise. Then, she straddles him, so that she's sitting on his lap. Finally, she wraps her arms around his neck, and kisses him, deeply and intensely. His eyes widen for a moment, as he gasps for breath. Then, he allows them to fall blissfully closed.

It takes a couple of minutes. But, eventually, he gathers the strength to push her away. "Please don't tease me again, Penny," Sheldon warns. "I can't handle it."

"Tease you?" Penny asks, as she gently strokes his face with her hand. "I'd _never_ tease you, Sheldon. I broke up with Leonard this morning."

"You did?" Sheldon asks, his voice sounding surprisingly childlike.

"I _did_ . . . because I love you_ too_, Dr. Wackadoodle_._ You snuck up on me, Sheldon Cooper, with your 187 IQ, and your eidetic memory, and your crazy knocking . . . and all those ridiculous facts you store up in that brain of yours. Being with you . . . I don't know . . . It just feels like . . . _home_."

Sheldon breaks into an ear-to-ear grin, as he cups Penny's face with his hands. He then stares at her in wonder, for a few moments, before gently pressing his lips to hers. Penny moans softly, her hands deftly massaging the back of his neck, as the kiss deepens.

"So, what do we do now?" Sheldon whispers into Penny's neck.

Penny pulls back, so that she can look him in the eye. "Well, it's going to be really messy . . . with Leonard and Amy, Howard and Raj . . . even Bernadette. Not to mention the two of us. We're going to make each other crazy! And we're probably going to fight all the time! So, I'm constantly going to be calling your mother. But I'm willing to give it a try, if you are."

"Penny, are you asking me to engage in a Relationship Experiment with you?" Sheldon inquires.

"I'm asking you to be my boyfriend," Penny corrects.

Sheldon nods thoughtfully. "That sounds like a reasonable proposition. I accept," he replies.

Penny smiles, as she pulls Sheldon in for a hug. "Good answer," she says.

Suddenly, Sheldon's face becomes very serious. "Penny, you should know that I'm not ready to engage in coitus with you. I think I will be . . . _one day_. It's just that, right now, I . . ."

Penny runs her hand through Sheldon's hair. "I know, Sweetie. And it's OK. There's no rush. For now, I'll settle from some heavy makeout sessions, and a little light boob fondling."

Sheldon brightens. "Well, according to my digestion schedule, I don't need to use the restroom for another ten minutes. I'd be happy to fondle your boobs until then."

Penny crinkles her nose at the reference to Sheldon's much-too-often discussed bathroom schedule. "Oh honey," she says, as she closes the blinds in his office, and locks the door. "I have SO much to teach you . . ."


	10. Epilogue

_Four months later . . ._

"It's 6:22 a.m. Do you know where your Sheldon is? Answer: He's not on the way to the airport to pick up his Meemaw, because_ Penny_ is lollygagging."

Ever since it was decided that Meemaw would be flying in to LAX to visit Sheldon, for the weekend, the physicist had become increasingly incorrigible. So much so, that Penny briefly suspected him of hitting the caffeine again. (He wasn't.) And now, with the day of Meemaw's arrival upon them, Sheldon had morphed into such a frenetic ball of energy that The Flash, himself, would seem lethargic, by comparison.

"_Lollygagging_, Sheldon? Does anyone use that word anymore, who is not over the age of 100?" Penny retorts.

"Meemaw uses that word all the time. And she's only 95!" Sheldon replies.

Penny marches between her apartment and Sheldon's, with her overly-hyper boyfriend literally hot on her heels. She has left her makeup in his bathroom again, a mistake that is becoming increasingly common, as the pair settle into "coupledom."

"Meemaw doesn't believe in makeup." Sheldon states matter-of-factly, as he stares thoughtfully at Penny's reflection next to his own in the bathroom mirror. "She says it settles into her wrinkles, and makes her look like an overheated bulldog."

Penny stops putting on her mascara, mid-lash, and folds her arms across her chest. "Are you implying that wearing makeup makes me look old and wrinkled?"

Sheldon shakes his head, "I'm merely implying that it makes _Meemaw _look old and wrinkled. Though, I guess that might have something to do with the fact that Meemaw actually _is_ old and wrinkled."

Penny nonchalantly continues to apply her mascara. "For the record, if you were hoping to get me to stop putting on my makeup, so that we could get to the airport sooner, the correct response would have been, 'You are so beautiful that you don't need makeup, Penny.'"

Sheldon considers this for a moment. "Would that have worked?"

"Not a chance," Penny admits grinning.

"Well, than I posit that your response is not anymore correct than mine," Sheldon responds.

Penny playfully pokes him with her eyebrow pen, causing Sheldon to let out a surprised yelp.

"Hey, could you guys keep it down out there?" Leonard warns. "Amy is still sleeping."

"See, now Leonard, I would argue that the frighteningly loud coitus noises emerging from you and Amy, last night, completely justify the not-quite-as-loud conversational tone, in which Penny and I are engaging, this morning," Sheldon replies.

"They are right, Leonard," admits Amy Farrah Fowler, as she emerges from Leonard's bedroom, clad in nothing but his bathrobe, and kisses him on the cheek. "We _are_ unusually loud engagers in coitus."

"I guess you bring it out in me, Pookie Bear," Leonard coos, cupping his girlfriend's chin, before kissing her on the mouth, rather sloppily, and with tongue.

"Oh barf!" Penny complains. "I can't watch this anymore. Sheldon, let's go get your Meemaw."

"I thought you'd never ask," Sheldon replies proudly, as he follows her out the door, stopping briefly to mouth an emphatic "Thank you," to Amy and Leonard for inadvertently helping him to get Penny out of the house.

"Bye guys," Leonard calls after them, his arm still around Amy's waist. "Say hi to Meemaw for me."

* * *

"Hello, Air Traffic Control? This is Sheldon Cooper," the physicist says into his phone, while he and Penny are stopped at a red light. "Yes, it's me again . . . Well, it's none of your business how I got this number!"

"You hacked air traffic control?" Penny exclaims.

"Mister, there's no need to call the police, I just need to be put in touch with the pilot of my Meemaw's plane . . . _MEE-MAW . . . _She's on American Airlines Flight 182 . . . I need to make sure he's flying safely. My Meemaw is very important cargo!. . . Well, sir I don't think my Meemaw would_ fit_ up my ass . . . Hello? Hello?"

Sheldon shakes his head, as he hangs up the phone. "Drive faster, Penny. Those folks at Air Traffic Control are lunatics. I don't trust them with my Meemaw!"

"Sheldon?" Penny inquires apprehensively, as she pulls into the airport parking lot. "What if your Meemaw doesn't like me?"

Sheldon reaches over and gives Penny's hand a gentle squeeze. He then turns toward her, and says solemnly, "What's not to like?"

There are moments when Penny worries that she and Sheldon aren't going to make it . . . that they are just _too different_ . . . that she isn't smart enough for him . . . or that he isn't cut out for having a real romantic relationship. And yet those fearful moments are almost always followed by moments like _this . . ._ moments that remind Penny that there is no one in the world with whom she would rather be . . .

They walk toward the airport in quick brisk steps that feel a bit to Penny like skipping. Penny finds Sheldon's excitement contagious, even if his repeated chorus of "Meemaw's coming! Meemaw's coming," becomes a bit irksome, after the fifth refrain.

At the gate, Sheldon holds up a large sign that says "MEEMAW" in big capital letters. ("Her vision isn't what it used to be," he whispers.) Of course, Penny has little trouble picking Sheldon's grandmother out of the crowd. The diminutive white-haired woman trailing a red rolling suitcase in her wake shares both Sheldon's brilliant blue eyes and his mischievous grin.

"Is that my Moonpie?" Meemaw shouts, as soon as she gets close enough for Sheldon to hear her.

(The older woman's thick western drawl of an accent reminds Penny of home.)

"MEEMAW!" Sheldon exclaims triumphantly, as he rushes toward his grandmother so fast that Penny fears he might give the poor old lady a heart attack.

Meemaw throws her arms around Sheldon, and clutches him tightly. Penny is impressed by how well Sheldon seems to be accepting what, mere months ago, he would likely have considered "intrusive physical contact."

"How was your flight, Meemaw?" Sheldon inquires, his voice filled with concern.

"It was fine, Sheldon. I hear you called Air Traffic Control. What do I always tell you about_ overkill_?" She asks tilting her head to the side, as she observes her grandson with amusement.

"But Meemaw," Sheldon retorts. "Studies show that, when flying, the elderly are three times more likely than average-aged people to suffer from maladies such as airborne infection, numbness, gastrointestinal disturbance, joint inflammation, heart attack and death!"

Meemaw shakes her head good-naturedly. "Thank you, Sheldon, both for reminding me of my advanced age, and making me look even more forward to my flight home."

Penny likes Meemaw already. Unlike her boyfriend, the older woman not only has an innate understanding of sarcasm, she's clearly a master at it!

"Now, stop frightening me about my inevitable demise in the sky, and let me get a look at you," Meemaw demands, taking a step back, so that she can observe her grandson in all his Hulk t-shirt and corduroy-wearing glory.

The older woman whistles appreciatively. "Man, have you gotten handsome," she exclaims. "Filled out some too!"

She then turns toward Penny and says conspiratorially. "Sheldon here was such a skinny little kid that his mom and I used to slip chocolate chips into his breakfast cereal, just so he'd put on some weight."

"So, that's where he got his sweet tooth," Penny snickers.

"Meemaw, this is my girlfriend, Penny," Sheldon interjects gallantly, realizing that the two women have yet to be formally introduced.

"The girl who tamed my Moonpie! It's so nice to finally meet you!" Meemaw coos, pulling the leggy blonde into a surprisingly strong hug, given the older woman's petite frame.

"It's nice to meet you too, Meemaw! You are Sheldon's hero!" Penny answers happily.

"I _was_ until you came along, my dear!" Meemaw admits. "This boy is just head over heels for you! I knew it, the minute he described you over the phone as 'heartbreakingly beautiful.' Did you know that the only other time I've ever heard Sheldon utter that phrase was when I took him to see the Hydrogen Bomb exhibit at the local science museum?"

Meemaw then grabs Penny's smooth hands in her own wrinkled ones. "You know, they all said that Sheldon was too serious and set-in-his-ways to ever share his life with another person. But I always knew that my Moonpie's heart was much too big to remain solo forever. I said all it would take was the _right_ woman to open up that boy's soul to love and companionship. And I dare say I was right!"

By now, Penny is grinning from ear-to-ear. "Thank you, Meemaw. You have no idea how much that means to me," she admits.

"If this meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society is over, can we please get back to focusing on _me_," Sheldon grumbles.

The two women laugh and link arms, as they follow Sheldon to the parking lot. En route, the physicist excitedly details the threesome's itinerary. "The first stop on the 'Sheldon Cooper Tour of Greatness' will be my apartment, where you will meet my roommate, Leonard, and his girlfriend, Amy. Next, we will head on over to my office at CalTech, or, as I like to call it, 'Where the Magic Happens.' Our third stop will be the Cheesecake Factory, where Penny worked, up until she became a Paid Actress. This will give Penny the opportunity to benevolently 'give back' to the waitresses she used to consider her equals, but to whom she is now vastly superior."

"SHELDON!" Penny chastens, but she can't help but grin, when she says it.

About a month after the pair started dating, Penny auditioned for a spot in a local acting company that put on Shakespeare plays, three times a week. Upon being offered the paid position, Penny immediately (and happily) told her manager at the Cheesecake factory that her days of bussing tables were over.

At first, Penny was given mainly minor roles in the productions . . . a handmaiden in one play . . . a townsperson in another. Nonetheless, Sheldon dutifully attended every show, sitting in the theater's acoustic sweet spot, each time, just as he had promised to do in that infamous Custody Agreement (which now appeared to double as Sheldon's and Penny's_ Relationship_ Agreement).

But_ this_ performance will be different. Tonight, Penny will be starring in the company's production of_ Hamlet_ as the tragic Ophelia, a role Penny has been coveting her entire life. In fact, it is Penny's triumphant securing of _this_ role that prompted Sheldon to invite his Meemaw to Pasadena, in the first place. Not only will Sheldon and Meemaw be in attendance at Penny's big performance, but the whole rest of the gang will be there too.

Penny can't remember a time when she was happier . . .

* * *

"You know, I always thought Shakespeare made a mistake not hooking up Hamlet with Ophelia," Howard muses, as the crew settles into their seats, a few minutes before curtain call. "I mean, Juliet is OK, I guess. But crazy chicks like Ophelia are ALWAYS the hottest, not to mention the freakiest beneath the sheets . . . OWWWW, that hurt!"

Bernadette smilingly retracts her fist from her husband's stomach, and puts it gently back in her lap. "This is so exciting," she exclaims. "I can't believe I'm best friends with a real actress!"

"Ahem," Amy clears her throat pointedly.

"Sorry . . ._ second_ best friends with an actress," Bernadette corrects.

"Hush! The show is starting!" Sheldon scolds, as the lights go down in the theater.

Penny's performance is amazing, of course. All her friends agree that this is the role she was born to play. (Though given the character's suicidal tendencies, they mean this in the nicest way possible.) Of course, no one is prouder of the former waitress than Sheldon, who spends the entire performance entranced by this amazing woman, who he's lucky enough to call his girlfriend.

"Sheldon, are you crying?" Raj whispers in his friend's ear, when it is revealed on stage that Ophelia took her own life. (Raj, himself, is a blubbering mess, by this point in the show.)

Sheldon surreptitiously rubs at his eyes, with the sleeve of his shirt. "Of course, not," he retorts. "My tear ducts are merely responding to all the dust in this theater! Remind me to talk to the stage manager about that."

Raj isn't fooled, of course . . .

* * *

Sheldon is seated in front of his laptop, with all six of his Nobel Prize winner speeches open in front of him. The physicist scans the collection intently. Despite a slightly different introduction here, and a few word tweaks there, he's amazed by how remarkably similar they all are! And yet, there has always been one special version that stood out above the rest.

Taking a deep breath, Sheldon, drags the icon of his least favorite version of the speech into the Recycling Bin, confirming with the simple click of a his mouse that, yes, he is, in fact, serious about discarding it permanently. He then repeats the process with his second least favorite, and the third.

"Whatcha doin?" Penny inquires, as she affectionately wraps her arms around Sheldon's upper torso.

Sheldon cheeks redden, as he protectively slams his laptop shut, like a brainy student, who just figured out that his classmate was cheating off of his calculus test (an experience with which Sheldon is quite familiar). "Oh, nothing of importance," he fibs.

Penny grins mischievously. "Really?" She muses, "Because I would think that the speech you plan to give, when you win your Nobel Prize would be _very _important."

Sheldon bites his lip guiltily. "How did you know?"

"Just because you password protect documents, doesn't mean I can't read their titles," Penny retorts.

"Note to self, change all document titles on laptop to indiscriminate names of superheroes," Sheldon says into his cell phone, while holding down the Record Button.

Penny slides her hands up toward Sheldon's shoulders. She then begins to knead them absentmindedly, enjoying the sensation of the physicist's muscles loosening and relaxing beneath her deft fingertips. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Sheldon," she reassures him. "I've had my Oscar winner speech written, since I was nine. Though, now that I think about it, I should probably take out the part about marrying that kid from the _Home Alone_ movies, because that's just creepy."

"I'll have you know that those movies are completely illogical," Sheldon gripes. "The so-called Wet Bandits should have died about five times, in the first twenty minutes of the movie, alone . . . falling down staircases, being impaled by household appliances, getting electrocuted by Christmas lights . . . those jerks had more lives than Jason Voorhees and Michael Meyers combined!"

Penny blatantly ignores Sheldon's feeble attempt at a subject change, "Do you still have six different versions of your speech?" She inquires

Sheldon smiles at this. "Actually, as of approximately two minutes ago, I'm down to just one."

"OK Sheldon, now you _have_ to show it to me," Penny exclaims, lunging for the device.

In a swift, single movement, Sheldon rises from his chair, swipes his precious laptop from the desk, and cradles the machine against his stomach, like it's a newborn child. "I'm sorry, Penny. But the relationship between a brilliant physicist and his Nobel Prize Winner Speech is a very personal thing. I can't share this with just _anybody."_

"But, I'm not just _anybody_, Sheldon! I'm your girlfriend, for crying out loud. Now, stop being a child, and let me see your damn speech," she demands, expertly matching his movements, as he tries to dodge and weave around her.

"NO! GO AWAY," Sheldon yelps petulantly.

"Don't make me call Meemaw at her hotel," Penny threatens.

"You would NEVER_ dare_ awaken my Meemaw from her slumber." Sheldon retorts.

Then, suddenly, Penny gets a sly grin on her face. She reaches her arms out toward Sheldon, and begins to mercilessly tickle his armpits. Sheldon lets out a giggle gasp. This causes him to inadvertently loosen his grip on his laptop. It's precisely what Penny needs to wrench the machine from his armor-like grasp.

"HA! Victorious!" Penny shouts triumphantly, raising her fist in the air.

"Penny, you naughty vixen, you!" Sheldon relents, his voice a mixture of admiration and annoyance. "Well played! Now, give it back."

"Not on your life, Moonpie," Penny taunts, as she settles onto the couch.

Accepting defeat, Sheldon settles down on the couch next to Penny, and begins to read over her shoulder the speech that he long ago committed to memory.

By the time Penny gets to the end of the speech, she is already dabbing her eyes with the pads of her fingertips. "And finally," she reads out loud, "I'd like to thank my girlfriend Penny, who taught me that love, and the pursuit of intellectual excellence, are not necessarily mutually exclusive. In the right environment, and with the right person, these two seemingly antithetical constants can nurture one another. Penny, I am a smarter, better, human being for having known you."

Penny looks up from the laptop, still misty-eyed, "Sheldon, this is so sweet! Do you really feel that way about me?"

Sheldon shrugs and looks at the floor in a manner that strikes Penny as uncharacteristically shy. "You know that I do," he says solemnly. "Now, kindly relinquish my laptop."

"Wait a minute, Sheldon. It says here that this document hasn't been modified since October 13, 2007. That was just about two weeks after I moved in to the apartment!"

"Well . . . I . . ." Sheldon mutters uncomfortably, staring at his hands.

"You_ knew_ I'd become your girlfriend, before we even became _friends_?" Penny asks.

To this, Sheldon replies smugly, "I know everything, Penny . . . well . . . _almost_ everything."

Sheldon pauses thoughtfully for a moment. Then, he nods his head, as if he has finally come to a decision. "Penny, would you mind accompanying me to my bedroom?"

Penny's eyes widen. "Sheldon, are you asking me what I think you are asking me?"

Sheldon winks at her, as he grabs her hand and pulls her up from her spot on the couch. "It's all in the pursuit of intellectual excellence, Penny," he replies resolutely, as he closes and locks the door behind them.

_Less than an hour later . . ._

Amy and Leonard are lying in bed together, when they are awakened by a very peculiar, and yet oddly familiar, noise coming from Sheldon's bedroom

"Is that Penny? Because it certainly_ sounds_ like Penny," Amy muses.

This noise is followed by another one, slightly deeper in cadence, but also, oddly familiar.

"Well, that's _definitely_ Sheldon," Leonard adds. "What on Earth could those two be up to, so late at night."

Amy smirks in response. "Oh, I suspect they are probably going . . . _Downtown_."


End file.
